I discovered my boyfriend's double life when I saw Father's Day card from his wife and kids by Boudicca Fox-Leonard

Real Life Stories

Her lover was leading a secret life and on every weekend she thought he was working he was in fact with his other family

Deep pain: Gemma still feels furious
When mum Gemma Hawthorne found a colourful “Happy Daddy’s Day” card poking out from under a mat in her partner’s car, she naturally assumed it was a present from their little girl.
But as she opened it, she was stunned to see that neither of the two names scrawled inside was her daughter’s.
Heart pounding, she confronted Kye, her partner of five years, but he insisted it must have been dropped by a friend.
Fears assuaged, Gemma forgot all about it. After all, they were a happy family.

Only a few months later, Gemma, 31, found out it had been a lie.
The card belonged to Kye, who not only had two other children but was also a married man.
Her lover was leading a secret life and on every weekend she thought he was working he was in fact with his other family.
Seven months on, Gemma is still in shock and confused by how she suspected nothing for the five years they were together.
“It’s like something from Hollyoaks – I never thought anything like this would happen to me,” she says.
“It makes me shudder how he could so coolly do what he did. It’s frightening you can be so close to someone but never really know them at all.”

Cuddle: Couple pose for the camera

And while she now feels Kye was a “stranger”, she remembers feeling instantly attracted to him when they first met on a night out in Hastings, East Sussex.
“He wasn’t my usual type looks-wise but there was something about him that just connected,” she says.
“When my friends moved on I even stayed to talk to him. When I went to find my friends he and I agreed to meet up again.”
Before long, Gemma and Kye were seeing each other a few times a week.
Gemma says: “The first couple of times were at the weekend but Kye’s job on the railways meant that he usually worked Saturday and Sunday. Then we started meeting up during the week. He’d come over to my house and we’d have a takeaway.”
Their relationship developed quickly and within months Kye had moved in.
She says: “He had no furniture, no CDs – just a holdall of clothes. Looking back, I can see it was odd but I was relieved he wasn’t a hoarder like me.”
And Kye, 34, gave Gemma no other reason to be suspicious.
“We did all the usual things like dinner out, the cinema – we had a nice relationship,” says Gemma.
“It was frustrating that he wasn’t around at the weekends but I understood that his job meant unsociable hours.
“We’d be together all week and then at about 3am on Saturday he’d leave and come back Sunday night or Monday afternoon.”

Smile: Gemma and Kye at family party
Gemma’s family also liked Kye, although she never met any of his relatives.
“He’d come to my parents’ for dinner and he loved spending time with them – but when it came to his own family he had no contact,” she says.
“He never really spoke about his past. When I asked about it he said he’d wanted to get away and have a fresh start.”
When Gemma found out she was pregnant in September 2008 she was thrilled.
She says: “I felt so happy when the doctor told me. I was the right age, with the right guy. When I told Kye, he looked at me in complete shock. But then he got up and gave me a cuddle.
“He kept saying how amazing it would be to have our own family. I assumed his initial shock was man nerves.”
Over the following nine months, Gemma and Kye busily prepared for their new arrival – which Gemma believed was a first for both of them.
“He was there for scans and was really attentive. We were both excited about starting a family together,” she says.
And when baby Emma – whose name we have changed – was born in May 2009, Kye was by Gemma’s side.
“It took me a while to recover and Kye took time off and looked after me,” she recalls. “I felt lucky to have an amazing partner, with a house and a little girl.
“I didn’t want to get married. All we wanted was to get a house together and go on nice holidays, which we never managed because of his work.
"Looking back I can see now that our relationship wasn’t as perfect as it seemed. We never saw friends. It was just us two a lot. At Christmas I always accepted that he would have to work.”

Party: Gemma and Kye on a night out
So confident was Gemma in her ­relationship that even when she found the Father’s Day card she was only momentarily suspicious.
She says: “I know it sounds silly now but I trusted him. He was a great dad to Emma and really hands-on.
"He almost knew better what to do than I did. I thought he was just a natural.”
Desperate to have their first family Christmas, Gemma was ecstatic when Kye announced in September last year that he would not be working.
“I started planning and getting excited,” says Gemma.
“But a couple of days before Christmas he turned around and said he had to work after all. I hit the roof. He’d promised this year would be different.”
Grabbing Kye’s phone, Gemma called his boss.
“I started shouting at him too but he said to me, ‘But Kye’s not working Christmas’.
"I was totally confused. Kye stood there saying, ‘I can’t explain it’.”
After going out for an hour, Kye returned and finally came clean.
“He said he couldn’t do it any more,” says Gemma. “When I asked him what he meant, he told me.
"He had another family. He had a wife and kids.
“I was shaking with shock – I couldn’t believe my ears. I didn’t want to hear the details. I screamed at him to leave.
“I changed the locks on the doors and blocked his phone. I just felt that I didn’t know this person.
"I felt stupid for not noticing anything – but everyone around me was supportive. They were as confused as I was.”

Play-time: Gemma with daughter
What was hardest for Gemma was explaining to her daughter where Daddy had gone.
She says: “I told her he had gone away for a long time. At first she cried for him a lot.
“How can I ever tell her the truth?”
Seven months on and Gemma still feels angry. “I’ve not heard from him and I guess he’s with his wife,” she says.
“It’s hard to know how I feel when I don’t know why he did it – maybe he did fall in love or maybe I was easy to deceive because I wasn’t the jealous type.
“It’s hard suddenly being a single mum but I would never want Kye’s money. I don’t even want to see him.”
Despite everything, Gemma has started dating again. “It’s early days but he knows what I’ve been through,” says Gemma.
“It’s sad but I’ll never be able to trust anyone like I did ever again.”
Kye says: “I did deceive her. I always wanted to tell her but the timing was never right.
"It’s unfortunate and I’m not proud about it but these things happen.”

5 Top Tips for Men on Valentines Day

How any man can be a Valentines Hero.

Best case most men are intimidated by Valentines Day. Worst case they resent it. A lot of men feel like Valentines Day is a lose, lose proposition. Expectations for romanceare sky high and men as a species are not super comfortable with their ability to deliver. Some men feel high-jacked by a “Hallmark” holiday.

Men feel pressure to spend a lot of money and compete with the romantic displays of other men with their women. No surprise, when the Valentines Day industry encourages this. I saw an ad for flowers yesterday where a woman talked about receiving a floral super gift at work that made all the other ladies jealous. Bottom line many men feel like they are set up to fail. So, what’s a guy to do??? More importantly, what’s a guy to do that doesn’t cost a fortune?

1. Two flowers. A rose first thing in the morning. They’ll cost you four bucks a piece at 7/11. Keep them in your car the night before. Give one to her before you leave the house in the morning and it’ll answer the question, “Did he remember the special day??” Hold the second flower back for later.

2. Yes, the celebration should include a meal. That doesn’t have to mean dinner at the most expensive spot in town. It can be a picnic, indoors or out. It can be a trip down memory lane, like the place you went on your first date. It could be lunch at hotel. Whatever it is, think intimate, vs. expensive.

3. Put pen to paper. Even if you’ve never done it, maybe especially if you’ve never done it, write a love note. Notice, I didn’t say letter, I said note. The recipe is simple, three paragraphs. First, a cherished memory you have of times with her. Second, something you love about her. Third, how she makes you feel. Sign it I love you, and you’re done. Very important note: Give her this note at dinner or deliver it to her office during the day.

4. Jewelery, or chocolate? Maybe none of the neither. Maybe a gift certificate for amassage or pedicure - either by a professional, or better yet, maybe by you. Treat her to something that will leave her feeling pampered and precious. If you opt to buy them, you’re looking at about $50.00. If you opt to offer up the pampering yourself, you better follow through, probably on Valentines evening.

5. Run her a bath. Before bedtime, run her a bath, light some candles in there, and sprinkle the petals from the last rose in the tub. Done.. 

Here's the biggest misunderstanding Americans have about marriage

Happily ever after, right?

The movies we watch as kids often make us think that relationships should be like Disney fairy tales.

No conflict. No effort. Easy.

That sort of "happily ever after" thinking frustrates psychologists, since research shows that if a couple never has conflict, they're bound to get stuck in one toxic dynamic or another.

It's a peculiarly American problem.

Psychologist John Gottman, who's studied marriages for 42 years and authored 40-some books on the topic, tells Business Insider that Americans believe "that disagreements and conflict are bad."

It's one of the country's biggest misconceptions about how marriages work, and one explanation for why divorce rates remain staggeringly high in the US.

"It's a particularly American view," Gottman says. "Americans believe that talking about your feelings is really bad, too — that just the passage of time will make it better."

Contrary to what Sleeping Beauty would lead you to believe, confrontations are a part of a relationship's maturation. In fact, research finds that healthy relationships rely on the ability to handle conflict in a healthy way.

Instead of defaulting to the extremes of hiding your emotions or endlessly telling your partner what to do, Gottman suggests practicing "intimate conversation." It's the subtle art of putting your emotions into words and asking thoughtful, exploratory questions of your partner.

Gottman says that the American hesitance around talking about difficult subjects comes from the country's British, particularly Anglo-Saxon, heritage.

"Anglo-Saxon cultures tend to be honor cultures, where any kind of opposition is viewed as a moral affront," he says. "You don't tolerate disagreement. You think that disagreement is dysfunctional, and agreement is functional. When someone says you're wrong, you take it as a moral affront."

5 Realities About Prenuptial Agreements -- Why Having One May Be a Bad Choice for Your Marriage by Laurie Israel

Recently many articles have been appearing on the internet extolling the virtues of entering into a prenuptial or premarital agreement prior to your marriage. I offer the following reflections from my practice of law and work as a mediator to strongly counter the idea that prenuptial agreements have no “cost” and provide only benefit to a marrying couple. Both people entering into marriages should seriously consider what these realities are prior to engaging in the idea that a prenuptial agreement will be good for you and your marriage.

Reality 1: Negotiating a prenuptial agreement may irrevocably corrode your marriage and has the potential to make divorce much more likely.
The future spouse who pushes for a prenuptial agreement demonstrates a lack of faith in the other and a lack of commitment to the marriage. That prospective spouse also presumes a lack of fairness from the other in case of divorce.

There is usually an “initiator” spouse, and a “compliant” spouse. The negotiations will always be remembered as callous by the “compliant” spouse. The dynamics of the negotiations set up a bad pattern for the marriage.

Negotiating a prenuptial agreement is not romantic and can destroy a portion of the couples’ love forever. It is a harsh business negotiation, made harsher by the lawyers who must be involved, because the agreement is generally not enforceable without involvement of separate legal counsel.

Marriage is a mixture of a complicated set of laws, customs, expectations, and culturally-based understandings. A premarital agreement will upset this balance in unexpected ways and is bound to have unintended consequences.

Most lawyers representing parties in prenuptial agreements have no sensitivity to the harm they cause the couple and simply act (or pretend) as if it is purely a business deal. Marriage is not a business.

Often the initiating party (or their lawyer) says, “You can just put the premarital agreement in a drawer and forget about it.” That is not true. The premarital agreement cannot be forgotten and is presumptively legally binding as soon as it is pulled out of the drawer.

The initiator of a prenuptial agreement fails to trust and appreciate the balance of good common sense and equity embodied in state divorce laws. These laws were carefully developed during a long period of time and are designed to provide for fair solutions to all aspects of divorce, including the financial elements.

Many things, unforeseeable at the time the prenuptial agreement is signed, will likely happen during the course of a marriage. Applying these state laws at the time of divorce is more sensible than anything the parties can think of years before the divorce occurs.

If a “better” result than would be obtained by state divorce laws accrues to the party who initiated the premarital agreement, that “better” result is by definition unfair and a result of overreaching.

Reality 2: The two parties negotiating a Prenuptial Agreement do not generally have equal bargaining power, so the Agreement tends to be coercive and lacking in fair and equivalent consideration.

I have seen many cases where parties negotiate prenuptial agreements very close to the wedding and after the invitations have been sent out. This is not conducive for arm’s-length bargaining about a financial contract that may affect the next 50 years of your life.

Prenuptial agreements are generally one-sided, but are “dressed up” to pretend that there is consideration for the contract on both sides.

The financial contract at the heart of the Prenuptial Agreement involves the largest financial settlement you will ever make in your life, because it includes all property – past, present, and future; inherited, earned, and unearned – , of each of the spouses.

Even mediators can be insensitive to the power imbalance in the parties when assisting clients in negotiating a prenuptial agreement. Mediators should be very aware that the agreement proposed by “both parties” may be really the thoughts of only one and that the other party feels coerced, although does not admit it. All motivations and feelings should be exposed and discussed in the mediation prior to proceeding.

Reality 3: Prenuptial agreements are generally not appropriate for people entering into first marriages, whether or not there is a disparity in income and assets.

Marriage is an exciting joint venture. If some of the aspects of the joint venture are removed by the premarital agreement, the marriage will become weaker. An important part of the joint venture of marriage is the financial partnership. A spouse may correctly feel that some of this aspect of the marriage has been taken away if a premarital agreement is entered into decreasing the spouse’s rights.

State divorce laws can handle the issues of disparity of income and disparity of premarital assets if and when the spouses get divorced. Avoiding court at the cost of an agreement that may make it more likely that there will be marriage failure may not be a sensible trade-off.

However, prenuptial agreements can be highly useful for people entering into second marriages who have children from the first marriage. An agreement can balance a spouse’s loyalty to the new spouse and with the spouse’s concern and loyalty to the children of the first marriage.

Reality 4: A Prenuptial Agreement often damages the relationship between the two families-of-origin.

A party (or the party’s parents) may want a financial agreement prior to the marriage due to the existence of family wealth. The premarital agreement generally isolates all family property as not part of the marriage, forever. Result: the future spouse’s family feels humiliated and disrespected, and never forgets the rebuff. This is not good for the parties’ marriage, as it will result in family-of-origin conflict that will be present during the entire marriage and remembered until death.

One common fact pattern that I see often is this: the future spouse does not want to have a prenuptial agreement, but his parents insist. The prenuptial agreement is made. The wife feels her husband was unable to stand up to his parents, and loses respect for him.

The control of the marriage by one party’s family of origin disturbs the delicate balance of a marriage and makes it more likely to fail.

Reality 5: The terms of a Prenuptial Agreement are often quite unfair at the time of divorce, even though they are generally enforced by a Court.

Courts routinely enforce premarital agreements that give a spouse a fraction of what the spouse would “deserve” under state law. This proves that the deal made in the prenuptial agreement years earlier were unfair to that spouse.

Parties struggle in courts over prenuptial agreements; prenuptial agreements per se do not eliminate court battles.

Divorce laws are fair. That’s why they were developed. Trust in them (and in your good will and sense of fairness to each other) to do the right thing at the time of divorce. Do not rely on a set of financial agreements made years earlier prior to the marriage that may be totally out of sync with the real facts at the time of divorce. Trust that by foregoing the premarital agreement you have made your marriage stronger and more likely to succeed.

Are You Really Ready for Divorce? The 8 Questions You Need to Ask by Bruce Derman, Wendy Gregson

Your marriage is in question and you're facing a real dilemma. You may be the one who is deciding should you stay or should you go.
"I feel like I need to get a divorce and end this so called marriage. Yet how can I be sure? Some days I feel more confident of my decision than others. A part of me still loves him or at least I care for him. I don't think I am in love with him, but what if I make a mistake. A lot of people will be affected by what I decide. Maybe I should not rush ahead with this. That's amusing since I have been thinking about it for three years. This whole thing wouldn't even be an issue and I could forget about this divorce, if he would just change his behavior."

Or you may be the one who has just heard that your spouse wants a divorce.

"Divorce? Where did that come from? Two weeks ago we were talking about a vacation in the mountains. I had no idea our marriage was this awful? I am shocked and devastated. I have got to find a way to put a stop to this. Maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up things will be back to normal."

Most books and articles on divorce are written based on the assumption that once a couple says they want a divorce that they are ready for divorce. It is our experience as therapists and divorce coaches, who have helped many people through this process that this is in fact not the case. Usually when couples begin the divorce process, either one but more often than not, both, are not really ready for the divorce.

Divorce professionals such as therapists, mediators and attorneys often believe that statements such as, "I've had it with him." or "My feelings have died for her," are indicators that the marriage is over. Attorney's often equate being hired for their services as an indicator that the couple is ready to divorce. This is not so.

Most couples who begin a divorce are unprepared and are often not even on the same page when they begin. It is this lack of preparedness and readiness for a divorce that either causes marriages to end prematurely or divorces to deteriorate into competitive contests. The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make with consequences that last for years or a lifetime. A decision this important requires much greater attention than it is usually given by both couples and professionals. It is a process in and of itself. Once a couple is prepared and ready, they will sooner be able to begin their divorce by both being on the same page and this will eliminate most of the emotional and financial struggles that cause divorces to become adversarial and ruthless.

The reason many people do not even think about getting ready for a divorce is because they operate under the assumption that the sooner you can get out of a stressful situation the better. So there is a natural tendency for people who are in difficult marriages to want to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible in order to move on with their lives. Family and friends often encourage this as well. They hurt for the family and so also prescribe to the myth that the quicker the divorce is over, the sooner everything will return to normal. But unfortunately in most cases just the opposite happens. Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts or options. As a result they are unprepared for the roller coaster of emotions, the complicated legal system and the many life changing decisions that they need to make. Quite often they make agreements which they cannot sustain, and instead of the situation getting better, they often find that they have just traded one set of problems for another. So it is no wonder that they often get tangled up in lengthy court cases and the very thing they hoped for, a quick divorce, often takes years.

This article outlines what couples need to do in order to face the numerous dilemmas that are inherent in divorce. A dilemma implies that you are torn between two choices, each of which have undesirable fearful elements. If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility; vulnerability, or dependency.

Whether a couple is starting the divorce process or even just contemplating a divorce, they need to first identify with the following divorce dilemmas.

The Three Divorce Dilemmas

Couples who are facing the possibility of a divorce face one of three dilemmas:

1. I want the divorce, but I am not sure if it is the right decision. Since going through a divorce impacts the lives of your children, as well as your lifestyle, economics, and marital investment, the pressure to make the "perfectly correct" decision is enormous. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. The best case scenario is to make a decision that is not emotionally based, nor driven by your ego.

2. I do not want the divorce, my spouse does. Being in this reactive place will leave you feeling out of control and a helpless victim. You will experience intense emotional devastation, as your life will be changing before your eyes without you having any say in the outcome. In addressing this dilemma you need to ask yourself if you are clinging to staying on familiar, safe ground and to a marriage based on illusions. It is not easy to acknowledge and confront the problems in a marriage, when you are feeling so hurt by your partner.

3. I only want this divorce because my marriage is not working. If this is your dilemma, then you will want to avoid responsibility at all costs by seeing your partner to blame for the demise of the marriage. There will be tremendous preoccupation and anger about how your partner caused you to make this decision. The amount of noise generated from this blaming will be in direct proportion to your unwillingness to risk expressing any of your own fears and sadness. If this doesn't occur, the divorce proceedings to follow will be riddled with tension and conflict, and a continuation of the blaming.

The common element in all three dilemmas is fear. In the first group there is a fear of making a mistake and being incorrect, the second will hide from it by denying that there are any problems or admitting their attachment to the familiar and the third group will fear any accountability and softness. The result in all three circumstances will be dragging, combative, and back and forth divorces.

For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally. To do this each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the following 8 questions.

The 8 Questions

1. Do you still have feelings for your partner?

Many people who say they want a divorce still have strong feelings for their partner, but due to an ongoing power struggle in the relationship there is a lack of intimacy and closeness. If this is you, it is best that you work on your relationship prior to deciding to divorce otherwise your feelings of loss will overwhelm you and you may find yourself worse off after the divorce than you are now.

Celine had been married for seven years to a man she loved, who she considered to be a real sweet, gentle guy. However, she was very unhappy about their financial arrangement. She was the responsible one who paid all the expenses, while he seemed to be forever getting them further into debt. She was very stressed and miserable and saw divorce as her only way out of the financial strain she was under. But because of her feelings for him she was not able to support such a decision or even set a clear boundary, for fear of losing the relationship. With the help of her therapist, Celine recognized that she either needed to either set a clear boundary and be willing to lose the relationship, or else accept that all her hassling was a waste of time.

2. Were you ever really married?

To be really married a couple must have created a relationship that included an "us" or a "we." Many people who are considering a divorce have never had a marriage that was anything more than two individuals meeting their own needs. They may have raised children and shared a home but they participated in those activities from a competitive rather than unified position. They would ask -- "Do I want to do this or that", rather than ask "Is this good for us?" If you have not developed a genuine "we" in your relationship this would be the time to either commit to learning how to do that or to admit that you have never really had a marriage.

Even as a therapist who works in the area of divorce, I had a very difficult time admitting that my own marriage of fourteen years was in fact in name only, regardless of the years that we lived under the label of husband and wife. Our pattern was to threaten to break up every few months, and we had a daily ritual of fighting, and agreements that rarely lasted more than a week. I used to joke to my wife that she needed to keep her bags packed just in case she needed to leave quickly. This pattern remained despite the numerous counseling offices we attended. It was not until I was able to acknowledge to myself that I was neither single nor married, that I was in fact nowhere, did any real change occur. We started the real divorce process two months later.

3. Are you truly ready for divorce or are you just threatening?

Divorce is often threatened, especially in heated marital arguments for the following reasons;

Out of anger and frustration.
To gain power and control over the other person, to get them to see things your way.
To finally be taken seriously that you want real change.
As a wake up call that the marriage is faltering.
People who consistently threaten divorce lose credibility with themselves and their partner. If the person is not merely threatening, but is genuinely ready for a divorce, they can sustain the following thought in their own mind, "That I wish to close a chapter of my life, because I am at peace with the fact that there is no more that I can do or give to this relationship." They will discuss this appropriately with their spouse without any blame.

4. Is this a sincere decision based on self awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision?

To be ready to divorce your partner means being able to make a clear, unemotional decision that you can support over time. Divorce means being able to let go of all strong emotional attachments to the other person, the loving ones as well as the hostile and hurtful ones. Emotionally charged decisions do not last and if acted on do not resolve the underlying problem. People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over.

A woman came to see me as her divorce coach after she had been divorced for five years because she was still struggling with the effects of her divorce. Her problem was that she was still feeling rage toward her ex husband and found her self hating him on a weekly basis. I said to her, "It sounds like you are still married." She insisted that this was incorrect due to the hatred she had for him. I responded that the hate she was experiencing essentially reflected a great passion toward him despite her hateful label, which I doubted any current man could match. I stated that only someone who is married could have such a passion. From that moment on she began to emotionally detach from her ex husband and work towards, with the help of the coaching, a real divorce.

A statement that would indicate that you are making a sincere, rather than an emotionally reactive decision is, "I acknowledge that you are a person in your own right with your own personality, hopes and dreams, I can respect you for that, but I no longer want to be married to you."

To be ready for divorce is to have a lower emotional attachment to the person you are separating from, other wise, the divorce process itself will be roller coaster of intense feelings, including anger, distrust and hurt.

5. What is your intent in wanting a divorce?

Any agenda, other than ending the marriage, is an indication that you are not ready to divorce. If you are hoping that through the divorce the other person will change and start treating you better, realize how much they have lost or pay for how much they have hurt you, you are getting a divorce for the wrong reason. Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people's hearts and minds. Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people.

6. Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce?

Everyone who goes through a divorce is conflicted. People can feel guilty at the same time as they are sure that they want to end the relationship. Or they can feel betrayed and at the same time recognize that their life will be better once they are out of the relationship. Recognizing the conflict and owning that different parts of you will be struggling with the impact of divorce, at different times, is part of the process of getting ready for divorce.

Rick was having the hardest time deciding what to do about his marriage. For the longest time he claimed that he was confused, conflicted, and torn. He couldn't seem to feel at peace being in the marriage or in leaving. His wife was verbally beating him up over his indecisiveness, often calling him a wimp. As his therapist, I asked to speak to the part of him who wanted out and I told him I didn't want to hear from any other part. He started to speak quite clearly about feeling no passion for his wife, but within a minute he began to hedge this voice with statements like "She is a good mother or she is dependable." Each time he would attempt to dilute in this way, I would have to say that I only wanted to hear from the voice that wants "out." As the wanting "out" voice became more and more expressive, he began to visibly sweat. I asked "What is happening?" Finally, he said, "I am feeling guilty." Where is that coming from?," I asked He said, "I made a promise that I would never follow the path of my father who left my mother." With this opposing voice sorted out and clarified, he was no longer confused. He was able to see that this old promise to himself was in conflict with his present desire to end his marriage. As he continued to work through those two opposing parts of himself he was finally able to make a decision that he felt at peace with and three months later he began the divorce proceedings.

7. Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?

Divorce brings change and grief because it is the loss of the "happy family" dream. Hurts , disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, inadequacy can all take hold of the psyche when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage. To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce it is necessary to have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed.

One of the hardest consequences of divorce is needing to face another person's pain, be it your children's, your family or friends because divorce affects so many people's lives. If you are the one choosing they divorce you will have to hold on to your decision and the ending of your marriage in the face of all these people and circumstances. If you are the one who does not want the divorce, but your spouse wants to proceed, you will still need to get ready to accept the following consequences of a failed marriage. To know if you are ready, ask yourself if you are prepared for the following changes;

If you don't want changes to your finances, lifestyle or traditions then you are not ready for divorce;
If you cannot accept your children's sadness and anger then you are not ready for divorce
If you cannot acceptance times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce
If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.
I recall one woman who was totally bored with her one dimensional passive husband and she expressed what seemed like a very strong desire to leave him after 20 years of marriage. Each time she would tell me that she was going to tell him she wanted to separate, she would back off long before she got home. To help her recognize her own struggle we made a list of the consequences of divorce, and the one thing she said she could never accept was the fact that her kids would hate her for leaving their father. She said she could not risk that, no matter how bored she was. Once she owned that this unpleasant consequence of her divorcing him would be more than she could stand, she was able to think of other ways to resolve the problem of being bored in her marriage. Over time she became more independent and started to travel and develop interests of her own.

8. Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way?

Whether you are the one who wants the divorce or the one who is having to respond to your spouse wanting the divorce both situations have one thing in common, the marriage is ending. How people respond to this fact determines the type of divorce and future they will have. They can come from a position of bitterness, revenge or helplessness or they can negotiate for their future from a position of strength, understanding and respect.. The attitude you choose will determine the type of divorce you have. Your options are as follows: You can make Agreements that:

Protect your rights only or Respect your spouse's rights too
Are only good for you or Are good for everyone
Give your spouse less or Give your spouse what is rightfully theirs
Do not inconvenience you or Work well for everyone
Need frequent court hearings to enforce or Need no court hearings to enforce
It is our experience that people who prepare themselves by first addressing all 8 questions are more likely to have a collaborative divorce. By starting the process in this way they are much better able to make lasting agreements with each other, resolve their difficulties and develop parenting plans that both supports the children and respects each other's rights.

Reason Guys Cheat: As Told By A Guy Who Has Cheated by Joe Welkie

Cheating is bad. We all know that. We all know that it is a dishonest and hurtful thing to do to a person with whom you are in a relationship. Still, people do it without regard for their significant other’s feelings. They also don’t seem to care about the consequences, most of the time.

How do I know this? Well, I’ve cheated. Yes, that makes me somewhat of a sh*tty person, I get it. However, allow me to explain myself before you jump on the hate train.

It wasn’t that I thought my girlfriend at the time was a bad person, and it wasn’t that I wasn’t into her; it wasn’t that I didn’t love her. It was something far more complex than that, something that I don’t think most people can understand. So, here’s my best explanation as to why I did it and why I believe I’m not alone:

Many, if not most, men are self-conscious creatures who harbor plenty of insecurities. I certainly do, at least. The story of how I cheated has nothing to do with the girl I was dating, but everything to do with an internal conflict that I’m sure plagues many cheaters: the notion that we’re undesirable.

Many women experience guys throwing themselves at them at a near nightly basis. Guys on the street, guys at the bar, guys online… Guys everywhere are constantly throwing themselves at women in hopes of mating with them.

While a lot of women find this kind of behavior to be offensive, it conveys the notion of desirability in a way that many men crave to experience.

Generally speaking, when we walk down the street, no one catcalls. When we are at the bar, it’s rare for a stranger to strike up conversation with the intent to charm us. The majority of our activities go unnoticed throughout the day. Therein lies the issue.

What many women have a hard time understanding is that while yes, catcalling and guys constantly hitting on you is annoying and unwanted, it provides for a form of validation. Men, on the other hand, rarely get such validation. That’s exactly why I did it.

The trouble with being in a long-term relationship is that you can only get that kind of validation from your significant other, and sometimes, it’s not enough. This is especially true if your significant other has a difficult time expressing her feelings and true desires for you.

Dating a girl who has a hard time opening up and being honest with you can eventually cause trouble. It can leave you feeling unwanted or unsexy, which will likely leave you to do something regrettable. This is how it happened with me.

I was dating a girl who no longer made me feel special. I felt like I wasn’t a desirable person. I felt unsexy. I was going through a phase where I didn’t know if anyone would ever look my way again, until suddenly, one day… A different girl showed interest in me.

It was exciting. It felt awesome. I finally felt the validation that I wasn’t getting from my girlfriend of the time. Unfortunately, I gave in to that desire and did the unthinkable: I cheated. Afterward, I was mortified. I couldn’t believe what I had just done.

I promised myself that I’d never cheat and here I was, doing what I thought to be so unspeakably disgusting that I didn’t even know I was capable of ever doing it.

I preached and preached about how if you want to see someone else, you should just break up with the person you are dating. But, here I was, living the life of a cheater. I had no idea what to do next. Do I cover it up? Do I act like it never happened? Do I tell my significant other? Do I break up with my partner?

Ultimately, my relationship ended. I thought it was for the best, but that truth offered no consolation. I had broken one of my morals. I felt weak and cowardly. The only truth that I believed could bring me validation only drove me deeper into the hole of feeling like a bad person.

The important thing to understand about cheaters is that a lot of the time, it’s not that the person who cheats is unhappy with his or her significant other, but that the issue is symptomatic of an internal problem.

Sure, there are certainly people who cheat because they feel like a relationship might already be over and they are too afraid to have the break-up talk. Sure, some people just generally don’t like their significant others. However, some people are just sex fiends and have little regard for ANYONE around them.

I know this much: I was in a great relationship with an awesome girlfriend, who I found to be super sexy.

It wasn’t her; it was me. I had emotional problems that I didn’t believe she could fix or help. I felt a void that I thought I could fill through cheating. Unfortunately, that void wasn’t filled and I left the situation embarrassed and humiliated.

I learned from that experience that cheating didn’t help, and I have since vowed to never do it again. Though my subsequent relationships haven’t worked out, I feel validated in sticking to my promise to myself. I can’t know for sure whether or not I’ll ever cheat again, but I certainly hope I don’t.

UNPLANNED PREGNANCY - HOW TO HANDLE IT? By Ankita Goel

So you've missed a period, and had been wondering about it, when this nauseating feeling also starts troubling you. Then, the urine test comes out positive. Here you are left with a big '?', feeling angry at yourself, your lover, confused, feel like crying, feel like rushing to the abortion clinic or just feeling like killing yourself.

Before you go in for any hasty decisions, try to follow some 6 bit of advice from Swami Gurupremananda, who herself had had a few unplanned pregnancies, and at the age of 17 had her first daughter whom she adopted out. She is now a renowned yoga master, and a birthing mother who specializes in woman's health. This is what she has to say about an unplanned pregnancy in her book "Mother As first Guru".

Step 1: DON'T PANIC
 It is not a life-threatening emergency. You have plenty of time to consider things. Just for the moment, don't think about -what am I going to do, will I have it or not, what does he want, will I tell him anyway. You may be in shock right now, and that's no time to use your rational mind. You may be feeling that things are out of your control, just as they were when it happened. But you have to realize it that at that time didn't have control over your fertility, your contraceptive method, your partner's sexual urges, and now if you don't panic you can regain control.

Step 2: DON'T GIVE YOURSELF A HARD TIME
 An unplanned pregnancy leads to the emotion of guilt, shame, fear and ignorance. Feelings like "I hate myself", "I am in deep trouble now, look what someone else has done to me" arise. Pregnancy occurred because of all the forces resident in the pelvic area, but resolving this issue can be done only using your head, when you may be feeling cheated by the circumstances.

It is easy to say that drop your guilt, your hurt, your anger, but that is what is required at this point of time, for you to think rationally. The feeling won't go way immediately, but you have to let go of the guilt, stop dwelling on it, loosen up the mindset, and be open to change. If you are open to change move on.

Step 3: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT IS
 When you have stopped feeling guilty about your so-called "wrong doing", you must acknowledge the responsibility for what exists now. You should not be a victim any longer, but be the master of the situation. What frequently drives a lot of people straight away to consider abortion is that urge to get rid of potential responsibility, and guilt. Stop dwelling over the past, think about right now. Take a deep abdominal breath of self-assurance, look upwards, and take a big confident step.

Step 4: ACCEPT YOURSELF AND FIND THE LOVE
 It is important that you forgive yourself. It is not easy, but comes from a self-realised understanding that no real harm can ever come to our spiritual selves- even from sexual ignorance.

We are responsible to do something about something we now know about, and we are responsible for trying to increase our understandings of things we don't know about, we are not responsible for things, which we did not know about at that time. This is the key to go beyond guilt and awaken self-acceptance. More than forgiving yourself for getting pregnant, what you are actually doing is forgiving yourself for all your ignorance. This is a healthy start to becoming more wise.

Next it is important to find love in yourself and your partner. Just think for a moment, about that fateful day and how you felt about it? Whether your act was one of love or just 'for sex' or beautiful or dishonest. Finding love at that point of time of lovemaking has led many a women to change their decision from aborting it to keeping it.

Step 5: DECIDE TO LEARN SOMETHING FROM IT
 Now is the time that you learn something from the whole event. Once you decide to learn something from a potential disaster means that you have accepted yourself, and plan to resolve the situation diligently. It is the time when you have realized the truth, and it is time for you to have a serious discussion with yourself.

Step 6: MEDITATE DEEP AND LONG BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
 The technique of meditation you can follow is "So Ham Mantra Japa". The purpose of meditation is to find out the answers and resolve conflicts.

Swami Gurupremnanda , recommends that one must go over these 6 steps time and over again till there are no feelings of guilt , or shame . Also some other factors to assist in the process are:

RESOLVE IT ALONE
It is important that you decide for your self first what you wish to do with this pregnancy without the consultation of the father (it is not that the father is not equally responsible), or some wise advisor. This should be done because here we are to resolve an existing pregnancy and not the cause. It is the woman who must take the responsibility (initially) alone. It is she who will be carrying the baby. A man has first hand experience of the baby only once it is born. He may have the right since it is his sperm, but it is only possible if the woman agrees to take on the pregnancy.

If he as well as you didn't want the pregnancy then the matter should end there. If you want the baby and he doesn't, then either ethically or morally he has no further responsibility or else you can hound him for paternal obligations.

Or else if you both decide to go on with the pregnancy - both of you should decide individually and independently. This is possible if you decide before asking him. This is very different from a compromise answer when a man may get influenced by you and later have regrets. The father may even then walk out on you later, when he realizes what he really wants, leaving you in a more difficult situation. Individual, unassisted answers enables one to reveal their deepest paternal and maternal compatibilities. This is important, as later when the child comes he should not feel unwanted by either parent. Any child can detect unwanted-ness from even 3 months of conception, and this can have its own implications in the future life of that child.

To handle an unplanned pregnancy, as we see yoga (meditation) can be of great help as it will enable you become a stronger person, who has overcome all the negative feelings, and taken a firm and rational decision about herself, her partner, and most important the child.

Rape TRAUMA. How Long Does it Take to Recover?

Rape trauma is similar to other types of trauma, such as losing a child or parent. That means that there is no set time for recovery — it may take several months or many years. Surviving a rape or sexual assault is a life-changing event, one that changes how you view the world, how you view your relationships, and how you view yourself. But there is one thing many rape victims have in common: they do recover and are able to move on with their lives.

Rape Trauma Syndrome

There are three phases to Rape Trauma Syndrome:

1. Acute Phase: This phase occurs immediately after the assault, and usually lasts a few days to several weeks. In this phase, individuals can have many reactions, but they typically call into three categories of reactions:

Expressed — This is when the survivor is openly emotional. He or she may appear agitated or hysterical; he or she may suffer from crying spells or anxiety attacks.
Controlled — This is when the survivor appears to be without emotion, and acts as if "nothing happened" and "everything is fine." This appearance of calm may be shock.
Shocked Disbelief — This is when the survivor reacts with a strong sense of disorientation. He or she may have difficulty concentrating, making decisions, or doing everyday tasks. He or she may also have poor recall of the assault.
2. The Outward Adjustment Phase: During this phase, the individual resumes what appears to be his or her "normal" life, but inside is suffering from considerable turmoil. In this phase, there are five primary coping techniques:

Minimization — Pretends that "everything is fine" or that "it could have been worse."
Dramatization — Cannot stop talking about the assault, and it is what dominates one's life and identity.
Suppression — Refuses to discuss, acts as if it did not happen.
Explanation — Analyzes what happened: what the victim did, what the rapist was thinking/feeling.
Flight — Tries to escape the pain (moving, changing jobs, changing appearance, changing relationships, etc.).
There are many symptoms or behaviors that appear during this phase, including:

Continuing anxiety
Severe mood swings
Sense of helplessness
Persistent fear or phobia
Depression
Rage
Difficulty sleeping (nightmares, insomnia, etc.)
Eating difficulties (nausea, vomiting, compulsive eating, etc.)
Denial
Withdrawal from friends, family, activities
Hypervigilance
Reluctance to leave house and/or go places that remind the individual of the assault
Sexual problems
Difficulty concentrating
Flashbacks
All of these symptoms and behaviors may make the individual more willing to seek counseling and/or to discuss the assault.

3. The Resolution Phase: During this phase, the assault is no longer the central focus of the victim's life. While he or she may recognize that he or she will never forget the assault, the pain and negative outcomes lessen over time. Often, the individual will begin to accept the rape as part of his or her life, and choose to move on.

NOTE: This model assumes that individuals will take steps forward and backward in their healing process. While there are common phases, it is not a linear progression and will be different for every person.

Surviving the death of a spouse or partner at a young age by Elizabeth Berrien

Becoming a young widow is an experience that completely turns your life upside down. Everything that once made sense, no longer does. The pain feels unbearable, and you are suddenly thrust into unfamiliar territory.

Even if your spouse died from an illness, and you knew that death was near, you are never mentally or emotionally ready for this type of life-transforming loss. Aside from the grief, being a young widow can add an extra level of complication to the healing process. It can be very isolating to be a woman in today’s society, who has lost her spouse before the age of 60. People don’t know what to say, how to approach you, and you may feel like you don’t fit in anywhere.

To move through the grief process in a healthy way, it is important to know that you are not alone. There are practical tools that can help you nurture yourself, honor your loss, and bring you comfort and strength. By making use of these tools, you can once again learn to live whole-heartedly, find new passions or reclaim existing ones, and rejoin your community with strength and purpose.

Do talk about your loss

It is incredibly therapeutic to talk about what you have just experienced. Losing your spouse is very traumatic, and it can take years to process your feelings and emotions surrounding the story of your loss. It can bring you great comfort to talk about your loved one and most importantly, “remember” who they were and what they brought into your life. You may find that certain stories bring you great joy to share. This is a huge step towards healing. Make sure that you talk with someone who will compassionately support you. Seeing a professional counselor or coach, in addition to speaking with close family and friends who you trust, can be extremely helpful.

Do find a support system

Being a young widow can be very isolating. You may feel like you are the only one going through this type of loss. Our society is not properly equipped to handle the grieving process, and you may feel awkward in social situations, especially if many of your friends and family members have significant others and can’t relate to your experience.

It is important to find a support group specifically for young widows. You can find support groups online, such as www.SoulWidows.org, www.sslf.org and www.theWiddahood.com. These websites have a variety of resources and will help you find a group that meets near you. In-person groups are very effective and will offer you a strong sense of community and belonging. Even if you are nervous about attending a group, try at least one or two meetings so that you know if the experience will be a good fit for you. You will quickly learn that you are not alone.

Do practice self-care

When you are grieving, it is so easy to let go of your health. Grieving can cause aches and pains in the body and make it difficult to eat properly and stay hydrated. You may find yourself gravitating towards unhealthy habits. Grief can make you feel like you have a perpetual flu. It is important to nurture your body with activities, such as taking a bath with aromatherapy salts, getting a massage or doing self-massage, drinking lots of water, taking a walk, gentle exercise such as yoga, cooking healthy meals or having someone prepare them for you. When you take care of yourself physically, this also will affect your mental and emotional state. If you are having difficulty getting out of bed, ask a close friend or family member to help you in accomplishing these acts of self-care. You deserve it.

Do grieve at your own pace

In today’s society, we are all about rushing and getting things accomplished as quickly as possible. However, grief is the opposite. Moving through the grief and healing process takes time. There is no specific start and end date. You must allow yourself time to process and work through your feelings. Other people around you may not understand the pace at which you are moving, but remember this is your loss. Your life has been altered in every way, and you have the right to take things one step at a time. So, don’t be afraid to tell the person who doesn’t understand why you aren’t feeling better after three months, that you are still coping with your loss, and that all you need is their ongoing support and respect. Even though they may not understand, it is vital to give yourself the time and space to move through it in a way that feels right to you.

Do honor your loved one’s memory

There are so many beautiful ways that you can honor your spouse. By creating a ritual around holidays, anniversaries and birthdays, you will get to experience ways in which their spirit lives on. You may wish to still hold a celebration for them with friends and family on their birthday. Perhaps there is a favorite spot that you used to go together that you can visit on your anniversary.

Create a memory album that has pictures of your life together and special events. Even though these actions may evoke tears and sadness, they also may fill your heart with comfort and feelings of closeness. You may wish to wear your spouse’s wedding ring around your neck or have it melded together with your own ring to create one. There are so many unique ways to honor them. This will not only keep them alive in your heart and mind, but also allow others the opportunity to talk about them and honor them as well. It can be extremely healing to hear the way others miss and remember your spouse, and it can bring about a strong sense of community and togetherness.

Don't

Do not isolate yourself

If you cut yourself off from the world, you will most likely end up sinking into depression and despair. You will need some personal time to process what you’re going through, but don’t become a hermit and never see the light of day. If you do this, you will end up getting stuck in your grief and feel even worse about your situation. Community and compassionate support are necessary to help you move forward and heal. The more you withdraw from life and living, the harder it will be to get out of bed and find the motivation and strength to discover hope and healing.

Do not try to “get over” it
When you lose a loved one, you never actually get over it. If you have ever heard this, it is a myth. While it is possible to move through grief and progress forward with your life, getting over a loss suggests that you will never again feel sadness or longing for your spouse or that it will never impact you again. Do not pressure yourself into believing that you should eventually get to a point where you are over it, and you can simply move on and put it behind you. This is unrealistic, and you will end up wondering what is wrong with you and why you are not “over this” yet. You will always carry the love you had for your spouse in your heart and nothing or nobody can take that away. Give yourself permission to move forward, but don’t worry about getting over it. It is a loss that has changed you forever, and it can transform you in incredible ways if you allow it to.

Do not deny your grief

Grieving is a messy and complex process. There is nothing neat and tidy about it. You will experience a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days, you will feel like you are taking two steps forward, and other days, you will feel like you are taking ten steps backwards. But whatever you do, don’t try to stuff the grief away and ignore it. Listen to what you are feeling and allow it to guide you on what you are needing. If you feel like you are putting on a face for other people to protect them from your true feelings, you are often doing a disservice to both yourself and them.

Be honest with yourself and what you are feeling--and go from there. Grieving is normal and healthy. It is a part of loss, and it should be recognized, witnessed and honored. By listening to your emotions, you will give yourself the opportunity to grow and expand in new ways. It is a time to get to know yourself on a deeper level, and you may discover that you uncover new wisdom in the process. Perhaps this will be wisdom that you can pass on to others someday.

Do not expect others to know what you need

It is important to speak up about your needs while you are grieving the loss of your spouse. Many of the people around you might think they know what you need or want, but they may end up angering you in the process of trying to help. Don’t be afraid to be straightforward with them, even when it comes to what they should or should not say. This can save you many headaches. Unless they also have lost a spouse or partner, they will not be able to fully understand what you are feeling or going through. They may feel lost and unsure of what to do. It can help to give them some direction or simply ask them to sit and listen if they don’t know what to say. You may lose some friendships in the process, but also gain new relationships with people who can truly sit with you and support you in your grief.

Do not be too hard on yourself

Grieving the loss of your spouse can make you realize how little control you have in the world. No matter how much you may have willed them to stay alive or wanted to protect them, you ultimately did not get to decide. There can be many feelings of guilt, anger, shame and blame that can arise as a result. You may find yourself thinking: “If only I had done this differently,” “If I could have been there sooner, “I should have known...” and the list goes on.

It is important to accept and recognize your humanity. You are only capable of so much, and you can only do your best in any situation. Holding on to guilt or shame will not change the situation or result in anything positive. Remind yourself of the things that you do have control over and that nobody can take away, such as the love that you shared with your spouse, the ways that you can continue to love and honor them or the things that you can do now to make a difference.

Summary

Jumping cartoon
The journey of young widowhood is not easy. However, there are many healthy ways to cope with your loss that will help you move through it and even uplift you. Reach for support when you need it, speak your feelings and honor the grief that you feel. Grieving is a normal and natural process. Remember that you are not alone in your grief. Even though your particular loss is unique and special to you, there are other women who have endured the loss of their spouse as well, and you may find great comfort in connecting with them and sharing stories. It is possible to move forward and live a whole-hearted and fulfilling life once again. It will just take time, and it is okay to move at your own pace.

Why Fear Can Be Your Greatest Teacher When It Comes To Love BY HEATHER LYNN

I'll be honest with you: I'm scared.

I'm scared because I just started dating a man. I'm scared because I really, really like him.

Sure, we are in the baby-stage (or the "honeymoon phase") of dating. But I haven't felt this feeling in a long time. And it feels both amazing … and terrifying.

Why am I scared? Isn't love supposed to be euphoric and comforting all at once? Well, it is those things, too. But love is scary because it requires us to be vulnerable. It's scary because it requires us to open up to the possibility of investing time, energy, emotions (and more) in someone with both the possibility that it might not "work out," and with the possibility that it actually might. Both possibilities are terrifying.

Right now, my ego-mind is up to its old tricks. As I continue to feel more for this person, my mind somehow jumps to defense mechanisms: I'm putting up the caution tape. Despite my desire on some level to open up and be vulnerable, my mind is encouraging me to play it cool: you know, not showing too much emotion or opening up my heart.

It's all fear. I am scared of the outcome of the relationship — it somehow failing, or it actually working and leading to real commitment. My fear is driving me to want to go back to my old shut down ways.

Sometimes, my fear frustrates me. I'm self-aware about it, and yet it persists. After growing so much over the past two years, to see that so much fear still exists surprises me.

Now, though, the difference is that I can see my fear. I can identify it, and I identify it as a tool. I know what to do with it.

Although fear feels like wearing a too-tight turtleneck that you can't seem to get out of, it can be the cornerstone of growth. You see, where fear pops up, or lurks in, more like, lies a chance for you to make a choice: obey the fear or do the opposite.

What I encourage you to do, no matter what, is to listen to your fear. Invite it in like you would a welcome guest. Ask it what it wants. Ask it what it's protecting you from. Ask it why it just won't let go. These insights are invaluable.

Next, make your choice. Are you going to stay in your default zone and obey the fear, or are you going to choose to do the opposite of your default and take the opportunity to grow?

Fear wants you to stay in your comfort zone. And, guess what? There's no growing or changing in the comfort zone. If you like where you are, then, by all means, give into the fear. A comfort zone is, after all, comfortable. But if you're tired of living the same old patterns, use the fear to your advantage!

By using fear as an impetus for change, you can take the power back. In that moment where the creeping voice tells you to hold back or put your guard up, you can choose to do the opposite of your default. Even if it's just letting your guard down a smidgen more than you normally would or allowing yourself to say something that feels just a tad risky for you.

Every slight shift will lead up to a bigger shift. That bigger shift will open you up to the love you deserve because you will be living life as authentically as possible.

Although fear can be so, so uncomfortable, it has also been my greatest teacher in love. So, as it creeps in today, I invite it in. We have a lot to talk about ...

The #1 Reason To Stop Playing Games When It Comes To Dating BY HEATHER LYNN

In 2012, I went on a dating frenzy. As a part of my New Year's resolution that year, I decided that 2012 was going to be my year to meet the love of my life. I knew — or assumed — that this meant I had to date a lot. And, by extension, I also thought that it meant I had to play the game just right.

I bought and read many how-to-hook-a-man books and advice columns about the "simplicity" of men versus the "complexity" of women (yes, they do exist.). Why? Our culture puts pressure on all of us to figure out the "right way" to do everything — whether it be the right way to eat, exercise, be productive, or find the partner of our dreams. The problem is that this way of thinking perpetuates all of the dating games we know (and probably don't like).

Well, as a perfectionist and rule-abider, I took my studies very seriously, always making sure to count the minutes before responding to a text and to keep my guard up a bit on the first few dates; I'm ashamed to admit that I even practiced the aloof pout a few times. You never want to really show someone you're interested in how you're feeling, right?

Wrong (I know this NOW). Ultimately, I was so far removed from my real self during my dates that my search for love felt way more exhausting than fulfilling. I felt inauthentic and depleted, certainly not the ingredients for finding love. I was going about dating all wrong because I was putting my trust in strategy and tactics — keeping my guard up, in other words — rather than letting my real self shine.

Here's the core of the issue and why following such advice won't attract the love you really want: dating rules force you to navigate your search for love stubbornly by building a persona — or a surface-self, an ego-driven way of existing in the world. They imply that you showing up authentically won't be good enough, so you must hide behind the defense of dating strategies. These rules implicitly tell you that there is some unknown "perfect" way of presenting yourself to the world.

But that is a myth, and a dangerous one. This myth buries your true essence, and you come to associate your deep emotions, desires and ways of being with some level of shame. We fear that if we drop the games and "let it all hang out," our real selves might not be enough, or sometimes we even fear that our truth will scare the other person away.

Whe

n we search for love this way, we end up attracting people who aren't our right match because we are pretending to be someone we are not; therefore we draw in people who match the game we are playing on the surface rather than those who match who we really are.

Worse yet, sometimes we lose ourselves in the games, turning into some twisted-pretzel version of our beautiful-but-sometimes-messy self.

Following the rules will leads to disconnect between two dating partners, whether it is relatively immediately or eventually. Entering into a relationship as a result of "rule following" will most likely lead to a relationship built on a foundation of guardedness. There will be pre-built walls between the two people involved, which will only cause tension to grow when the time arrives to reveal more of our authentic selves to the other person.

So, if you have been a serial game-player, how do you date a different way? Try doing the opposite of what you've been doing if your actions were game-driven. When you hesitate to respond to a text or answer a call too quickly so as not to seem desperate, text back write away or pick up the phone. Tell your date you're nervous. Expose one of your "uglies" on the first or second date — just put it out there and see what happens.

Here's the truth: as members of this sometimes so messy human race, we all want to be loved for all of our beauty but even more for our messy. Drop the rules. Share what is messy. Find love for who you truly are. You deserve it.

How To Raise Your Kids Without Yelling Or Punishing BY LEONY VANDEBELT

Sometimes, we want to scream at our kids. Usually this impulse comes out of frustration or another acute emotion in the moment of a temper tantrum or outburst. But most us also know that yelling and punishing actually can damage our children's self-esteem and their trust in us, ultimately creating unhealthy coping mechanisms and leading to even more bad behavior in the future.

Instead, raising children with compassion and healthy boundaries will help them grow up into self-confident and emotionally healthy adults, and will make your parenting experience much easier in the process.

This article will give you insights and tools to raise children without yelling and punishing. In the first half, I'll offer tips that we can do ourselves as parents to feel more balanced and less triggered into having our own outbursts; the second half includes day-to-day tips for how to help your children themselves feel more grounded and less prone to emotional outbursts.

1. Cultivate self-care rituals and treat yourself with kindness.

The more we take care of ourselves, the more worthy we feel of having our needs met and our boundaries respected. When we feel tired and have no energy, it is much harder to deal with our children's outbursts. Plus: the better we feel about ourselves, the less we feel guilty about making "mistakes" or "not doing things right."

So, in addition to making sure to find self-care rituals such as meditation, yoga, exercising (and/or whatever else works!), talk to yourself as you would talk to a child, not as a harsh critic. Acknowledge your own feelings, how stupid or irrational they might seem to you. If you accept and love them, they will be released instead of staying stuck.

2. Honor your own boundaries.

If our children cross our boundaries too far, or too frequently, it's often because we let them. But we will eventually lose our patience, so remember that. I totally understand: we avoid saying "no" sometimes because we want to avoid a tantrum, or we want to be "the good guy." However, as parents, affirming healthy boundaries is our job. Loving our children doesn't mean that we have to give them what they want all the time. And sticking to your guns will ultimately prevent tantrums in the future.

3. Have age-appropriate expectations.

When we take our children to public places, we simply cannot expect them to behave like adults. A young child won't sit still for an hour in a restaurant like a grown adult.

While it's great to want to go out with our children, we must also remember that they are allowed to have their own experience. So we must commit to trying our best not to feel embarrassed, offended or guilty about their reactions. When we let go of these unrealistic expectations, we give ourselves freedom to have a much more enjoyable experience ourselves.

4. Don't project your fears.
When we worry about our children's misbehavior and fear that they might be aggressive in a given context, our children will pick up on this energy, and will likely stick those labels on themselves. If a child starts to think that he/she is "bad," that often leads to more misbehavior.

5. Heal your own inner child.

Children can trigger unresolved emotions in us, causing us to feel hurt and frustrated, perhaps about our own childhood experiences or current difficulties elsewhere in our lives. Our children can also reflect those unresolved feelings when they pick up on them. So embrace the parts of you that are still hurting. Acknowledge and accept your own feelings from or about your past without judgment and give that child in you all the love and validation it never got, or that it currently needs.

6. Create an anchor.

During a moment in which you feel calm and balanced, choose a physical stimulus like pressing your thumb and middle finger together. Recognize this as an "anchor," holding the position for a minute or so before releasing. You have now made a connection between that anchor and the feeling of calm and balance. Use this anchor by pressing it again when you feel upset or when your child has an outburst to trigger those feelings of calmness and balance to come up again.

7. Release guilt.

Guilt and shame are the lowest vibrational emotions a human can experience. I think of guilt and shame as existing in the emotional place farthest away from love, balance and compassion. Guilt not only keeps us from feeling self-compassion, but often leads to crossing boundaries to "make up" for whatever we think we did wrong. Remember that parenting is a process. At every moment, you're doing the best you can and are always learning and improving.

8. Make sure to spend quality time together.

Attention is a basic need for children to survive. When our children have emotional outbursts, it's often a sign of their desire to show us they are trying to define themselves, develop their individuality — and get attention.

Many times an emotional outburst is actually a reflection of a child experiencing more freedom than he/she can handle. They want to feel safe by our loving guidance in the form of healthy boundaries. The most beautiful way to give this to our children is in special, quality moments when we are not distracted and 100% present. Children don't need us to be physically present all the time. But quality time is invaluable for our children. Feeling consistently loved and cared for will diminish their need to act out.

9. Allow time for free and uninterrupted exploration.

When our children's needs for safety and attention are met, they will also undoubtedly express a desire to get out and explore the world. Exploration helps them observe new things in their surroundings, get to know their bodies and stay connected to their innate curiosity. Self-guided exploration will improve their attention span and let them express creativity and joy.

The amount of physical space we let our children play in, the amount of time and the physical distance from us depends on our child's age and needs and grows over the years. During these moments of free play, we can stay present with our children. But make sure not to interrupt them. Just observe and enjoy witnessing their growth.

10. Make your child feel understood.

No matter how "childish" our child's desire or emotion might seem to us in a given moment, it's perfectly valid for him or her to feel this way, no matter what it is, really. We don't have to comply with their "demands," but we can still acknowledge what they're feeling: "I see you're very upset, you really liked coloring your face and you're angry that I took your pencils away," or, "I understand you like to only eat chocolate all day. I'd love that too. But now it's time for some veggies to keep our bodies healthy." They might still resist, after all they are children, but at least they'll feel seen and understood and usually this helps decrease the intensity of the emotional outburst.

11. Allow time to adjust to a change in activity.

Sudden changes can trigger our children into resistance. Especially with sensitive children, it works really well if we give them time to adjust to a coming change. Take bed time, for example: give your child a few "heads up" notices that bed time is nearing. "You can play for another 10 minutes, and then we're going to bed," is one I use. Repeat that when there's five minutes and one minute left.

12. Respect your child as a whole person.

Our children might live in tiny bodies, just learning how to deal with everything that makes us human while still needing us for their basic survival. But they are also whole persons with very capable and knowing souls that have multiple levels of understanding. So talk respectfully to your child as if you would to an adult: use your normal voice and refer to yourself as "I" instead of "mommy."

13. Honor the integrity of your child's body.

Always tell your child when you're going to pick him/her up or touch him/her. You can start doing this even when they are babies: "I am going to pick you up now. One, two, three, there you go." Children will be less startled if they know what's coming.

When playing with children, honor their "no," if they want to stop. Horse playing or other physical activity is a very good time for your child to learn that when he/she says "stop" (touching me) or "no," the other person respects their choice. Boundaries are important for children, too. This won't guarantee that every person will listen but children with this healthy mindset about their body are much less prone to become a victim of abuse or other inappropriate dynamics.

14. Ask for help.

Don't be ashamed if you feel things are getting too much for you. Ask for help. Tell your partner when you're having a hard time, find a babysitter or parenting counselor, seek support from other parents, learn new ways of parenting that will make it more easy and enjoyable for you. You are never alone. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness: it is a brave thing to do.

The One Thing Not To Do After A Breakup BY HEATHER LYNN

Breakups are painful. Even if we are the one ending it, there is profound grief — or some other, intense emotional charge — in the experience of loss.

In my old dating paradigm, the end of a relationship, regardless of whether it was long or short, meant an excuse to go shopping and spend money excessively, to drink wine more often, to eat chocolate or hop back online and get back into the dating game as quickly as possible.

Now, looking back, I know that those behaviors (and others like them) were just ways to numb whatever pain I was feeling by replacing grief with short-term pleasure. They served as an escape from facing what I didn't want to face.

Add to all this that all of us now live in a world of distraction. At any given moment, most of us have a computer opened to Facebook, a phone dinging with texts or whooshing with Tweets, ear-buds buzzing music in our ears. To a certain extent, being distracted is the new normal.

But even if this is the norm, it's important we evaluate how distraction makes us feel. We can choose to examine our tendency to distract ourselves. I've found that many of us (myself included) have come to rely heavily on technological distractions to escape from the present moment. And when we aren't immersing ourselves in these modern distractions, we often distract ourselves from sadness — or any "negative emotion" — with other socially-acceptable ways to feel somewhat numb: eating, shopping, drinking with friends, to name a few.

In some ways, immersing ourselves in these things makes coping with loss easier. But the thing about emotions — like those we experience when a relationship doesn't work out — is that they demand to be felt. They are necessary signals from our body, mind and soul, back to our body, mind and soul, that we need to take a look at our experiences and feelings, and learn, grow and change.

If we squash them down and pretend they don't exist — as tempting as that is — they will manifest in a myriad of other ways. Sometimes in more shopping, eating, or drinking; and often, sublimated feelings will become wounds that we carry over into our next relationships.

When we hold onto these old wounds, we tend to project these hurts onto our next partner, looking for ways he or she is like the people who have hurt us in the past. In a sense, we then navigate relationships from a guarded space rather than one of openness. We flinch at the smallest similarity between our new partner and our old ones because we fear we will be hurt again.

Rather than distracting yourself from the pain of your next break up, sit with it. Clear out a chunk of time from your schedule. Power down your devices. Light some candles, if that's your thing. Close your eyes, and invite in the pain or anger or bitterness. Move towards the feeling rather than away from it.

When we do this, we allow the emotion to run its course, and, if we're ready, we allow the feeling to teach us something about ourselves. In the quiet spaces of our hearts, these emotions speak to us if we let them. They reveal to us stories and fears we are holding onto like lifelines of protection.

Ultimately, when we sit with the negative emotions, we see that they don't have the power to ruin us. By sitting with them and moving towards them, we free ourselves from the fear of facing the negative feelings.

In doing this, we no longer put ourselves on autopilot, continuing old patterns, and we can move into our next relationship open and ready to receive this new person without viewing them through the lens of past hurts.

Give yourself permission to feel. You deserve the freedom that's on the other side of it. And so does your future partner.

Why Being Single Can Be A Defense Mechanism BY HEATHER LYNN

This summer I turned 40. When I was younger, I never thought that I'd still be single at 40. In fact, I probably would have laughed in your face if you had told me I'd be a never-married-40-year-old. Not to be rude or anything.
But here I am: 40 and single. I've spent a lot of the past two decades flitting from relationship to relationship, some long ones, many flashes in the dating pan.
I've also spent a lot of the past two decades blaming my singlehood on the city I live in, on my age, or on the (false) belief that men these days just don't want to settle down. I also spent a lot of time in "fixing mode," thinking if I just fixed X about myself, everything would work out and I'd find lasting love.

But three years ago I had an a-ha moment. For me, this a-ha, although deceptively simple, shattered the paradigm I had been operating under for decades. Here's how it went: although I would love to blame my singlehood on external forces, the truth was that I was the only common denominator in my story.
Sure, blaming the external feels so much better than looking inside. As a society, blame is one of the most convenient go-to coping mechanisms.
But when I took the focus off what was "out there" and looked inside — when I took an honest look at what my singlehood was showing me about myself and my subconscious beliefs — my inner life totally changed.
The most powerful discovery in my self-exploration was that being single kept me safe.
Being single, although uncomfortable in its own way, ultimately is a safety zone, a defense against myriad fears and doubts we may feel, but not necessarily want to deal with, when it comes to love.
When we stay single, we prevent ourselves from being disappointed. Entwining our lives with another person, who is as flawed as we are, means that that person might let us down, or, worse yet, stop loving us some day.

By contrast, the single life is predictable. Unattached, single people get to make their own choices about both big and small things alike without ever having to consult a partner. They get to decorate the house the way they want it. They get to sprawl across the entire bed. They get to cook whatever they want for dinner. Even though we may feel like this predictability is boring, to our subconscious mind, it is safe. Let's face it: there's little room for disappointment in the predictable.

When we stay single, we protect ourselves from being truly, deeply known. Even though logically we would all claim to want deep emotional intimacy, many of us are unconsciously afraid of it. To be truly seen means to show all of our "uglies," potentially exposing us to the other side of the fear-of-intimacy sword: abandonment.

Many who fear intimacy, also fear abandonment. If we allow another to see our naked soul and that person leaves us, then our ego feels doubly damaged. Some never recover from this betrayal; that damage to the ego then disguises itself as bitterness or brashness, both just cloaks for the pain.

But the irony is that when we are single, we can still abandon ourselves. Often when we stay single, we avoid learning more about ourselves. I know this sounds contradictory: if a person is single, doesn't she have all the time in the world for self-exploration? Of course she does, but the truth is that we learn the most about ourselves through dynamics with other individuals and communities, not in a vacuum, through feelings of isolation.

Every person we interact with holds a mirror up for us to see ourselves more clearly. In an intimate, romantic relationship, we are bound to be triggered by something our partner does. In truth, our reactions to these triggers reveal much more about us than they do about the other person. If we stay single, we don't have to face some of these darker parts of ourselves because we can more easily remove ourselves from situations that are setting us off.

None of this is logical, of course. We all think we want love. It is human nature to crave it, but love can be scary to our subconscious mind. If you are a singleton and you find yourself reading this article, I encourage you to take a few minutes out this evening to pause. Get quiet. Close your eyes. Ask your intuition what your singlehood might be protecting you from. And breathe.

Breakup By HEATHER LYNN

Breakups are painful. Even if we are the one ending it, there is profound grief — or some other, intense emotional charge — in the experience of loss.

In my old dating paradigm, the end of a relationship, regardless of whether it was long or short, meant an excuse to go shopping and spend money excessively, to drink wine more often, to eat chocolate or hop back online and get back into the dating game as quickly as possible.

Now, looking back, I know that those behaviors (and others like them) were just ways to numb whatever pain I was feeling by replacing grief with short-term pleasure. They served as an escape from facing what I didn't want to face.

Add to all this that all of us now live in a world of distraction. At any given moment, most of us have a computer opened to Facebook, a phone dinging with texts or whooshing with Tweets, ear-buds buzzing music in our ears. To a certain extent, being distracted is the new normal.

But even if this is the norm, it's important we evaluate how distraction makes us feel. We can choose to examine our tendency to distract ourselves. I've found that many of us (myself included) have come to rely heavily on technological distractions to escape from the present moment. And when we aren't immersing ourselves in these modern distractions, we often distract ourselves from sadness — or any "negative emotion" — with other socially-acceptable ways to feel somewhat numb: eating, shopping, drinking with friends, to name a few.

In some ways, immersing ourselves in these things makes coping with loss easier. But the thing about emotions — like those we experience when a relationship doesn't work out — is that they demand to be felt. They are necessary signals from our body, mind and soul, back to our body, mind and soul, that we need to take a look at our experiences and feelings, and learn, grow and change.

If we squash them down and pretend they don't exist — as tempting as that is — they will manifest in a myriad of other ways. Sometimes in more shopping, eating, or drinking; and often, sublimated feelings will become wounds that we carry over into our next relationships.

When we hold onto these old wounds, we tend to project these hurts onto our next partner, looking for ways he or she is like the people who have hurt us in the past. In a sense, we then navigate relationships from a guarded space rather than one of openness. We flinch at the smallest similarity between our new partner and our old ones because we fear we will be hurt again.

Rather than distracting yourself from the pain of your next break up, sit with it. Clear out a chunk of time from your schedule. Power down your devices. Light some candles, if that's your thing. Close your eyes, and invite in the pain or anger or bitterness. Move towards the feeling rather than away from it.

When we do this, we allow the emotion to run its course, and, if we're ready, we allow the feeling to teach us something about ourselves. In the quiet spaces of our hearts, these emotions speak to us if we let them. They reveal to us stories and fears we are holding onto like lifelines of protection.

Ultimately, when we sit with the negative emotions, we see that they don't have the power to ruin us. By sitting with them and moving towards them, we free ourselves from the fear of facing the negative feelings.

In doing this, we no longer put ourselves on autopilot, continuing old patterns, and we can move into our next relationship open and ready to receive this new person without viewing them through the lens of past hurts.

Give yourself permission to feel. You deserve the freedom that's on the other side of it. And so does your future partner.

11 Things I Learned From Being Cheated On BY GARRETT PAKNIS

Having been cheated on early in my life, I understandably internalized feelings of rejection. As a result, I closed myself off from my own faucet of truth, the one that told me that I was worthy, able and important.

Infidelity was like a trigger to a bottomless well of insecurity and feelings of inadequacy, which separated me from what I always felt was my true, carefree and joyful nature.

It is only now that I can look back and understand the lessons that I learned, and that we can all learn, in response to betrayal. Here are 11 kernels of wisdom that I hope you can take to heart, and realize that your well of truth is always yours, regardless of what anyone else says or does.

1. Nothing is ever personal (even when it is).

People cheat for a number of reasons, and it has nothing to do with you or the qualities you think you might be lacking. Cheaters, and liars in general, are often lost within their own kingdom of pain and we have to recognize that. It's not us. It's them.

2. Misery loves misery (and love loves love).

How can someone treat us with the respect and honesty we deserve when they can't take an honest look into the mirror? Infidelity can be a blessing, because it alerts us to the fact that we need to seek a relationship that we deserve, not one that reinforces our insecurities.

3. Self-worth can never be taken away.

One of the most important things we can have in this life is an understanding of our personal value. Individual worth is something that we will always be called to come back to in our times of struggle (and success!). Always respect yourself first and foremost. Self-respect is all you've got, but it's also a huge gift.

4. Honesty really is the best policy.

The cliché holds. The truth holds our power to access happiness and strength.
5. Prioritize protection.

My partner was having unprotected sex with other men, and while I am grateful to not have suffered any health repercussions, discovering this caused a deep enough trauma that caused me to run away from a number of topics within my personal life. I even avoided getting tested for a long time afterward, which was one of many reasons my issues with addiction started to spiral out of control. The message here is simple: know your status, get tested and let the importance of protection be an open topic between you and your partner.

6. Nothing is worth avoiding.

When something feels off, don't be shy to search for what is causing the discomfort. I let my emotions and feelings entangle me in a web of denial and delusion. When I look back, I see how I could've untangled myself if I had made space to ask myself questions about what I wanted and how I felt about what was going on at the time.

7. Forgive.

Even when you don't think someone who hurt you "deserves" it. Holding resentment only hurts us at the end of the day.

8. Always accept apologies.

For so long, I felt as if everything was my fault and failed to see why other people would apologize to me due to my own, sometimes subconscious, feelings of unworthiness. When I awoke to the reality that I was worthy of an apology, I allowed room for closure.

9. Things fall apart for other things to be created.

I wouldn't be here writing this article if it weren't for this experience in my life, so — one of many cases closed.

10. The most important relationship in your life isn't what you think.

No one will ever complete us. The only way you can feel complete is by honoring yourself. Of course, you can seek and find a meaningful romantic relationship. But that only happens when the two people getting together each already know, honor and love themselves; their union is built on a foundation of strength rather than codependency.

11. Pain can actually make us happier in the end.

Strength is a form of resilience, and is something we gain from undergoing pain. What if we allowed every wrong we've ever experienced to shine a light on all that is right in our lives? Instead of suffocating in the thralls of defeat, deceit and dread, we can appreciate our struggles for letting them guide us to greater discovery within.

When we approach our darkest moments, we allow ourselves to heal from what isn't meant for us. In relationships, we are often melting into one another and can find ourselves throwing away our personal identities as we become "one" with another. It's easy for us to get caught up in our need for validation from another person and forget that, at the end of the day, we are the one person who needs to meet our needs.

Many of us want to devote our entire existence to the one we love, but I've learned how that existence can come crashing down. As long as we have a solid foundation in who we are, we will always be able to weather any storm. Feeling safe doesn't necessarily come from a lover's embrace, but from standing on our own two feet.