Monday 1 June 2015
Breast sucking good for you?
The female breasts, also known as “the twins” or “the girls”, have remained the most conspicuous and attractive feature of the female sexual organ. Perhaps, its strategic positioning and function adds to its importance in the life of a woman.
Besides the age long biological function of the breasts as a source of food and nourishment for babies, the breast is also a major source of sexual attraction for the male specie, just as it is also a key sexual organ for the woman, highly sensitive to stimulation. The fact that they come in various shapes and sizes, further add to their uniqueness and endearing place in our hearts as humans.
As a sexual organ, the breasts have been known to give immense pleasure to both men and women during sexual encounters. In fact, some women have reportedly disclosed that they are capable of achieving orgasm even when thoroughly stimulated through sucking and caressing of the breasts alone. Though, because of this highly sensitive nature, some women find it very uncomfortable or even painful to submit their twin girls to constant sexual manipulation of any kind.
Interestingly, men are constantly drawn to the breasts. A lot of this attraction has been attributed to psychological composition, perception and beliefs. For, pray, why would a full grown man be obsessed with sucking some mounds of milkless breasts? I don’t often get logical answers to this question when I ask. The function of the breasts in sexual behaviour has been attributed to human Face -to -Face copulation that is unusual among other mammals. Since the breast already serves the function of mother-infant bonding, then it is also excellent for male -female bonding, says an argument. After all, it is just within reach.
For those familiar with some of the social media platforms, you would have come across a particular message that has been making the rounds for a couple of years now. Purportedly attributed to the BBC as source, this message usually springs out during the cancer awareness months and in support of cancer prevention campaign. As expected, it elicits a wide range of controversies from both men and women, from humour to disdain and sexual innuendoes, while some others believe the content hook, line and sinker. The purported message is claimed to have been issued by the Ministry of Health in the fight against breast cancer. One of the versions I have received read thus:
Very soon, women will be paying men to have their breasts sucked! According to a report on BBC website, Doctors recommend that women reduce the risk of getting breast cancer by having their breasts sucked thoroughly and vigorously. It is said that regular sucking of the breast lowers the risk level that tends to build up lumps leading to breast cancer. The breast must be sucked as often as possible. Help women fight breast cancer today. Men, please do your part and suck a breast now! And women, please endeavour to make it available regularly…… This message is from the Ministry of Health in the fight against breast cancer.
I have tried several times without success to get a confirmation for this story on the mentioned websites including cancer.org and some others in related fields. But perhaps, someone out there knows the original and authentic source of this message? Please share it with us!
As interesting as this message may be, as well as the different responses it receives anytime it is being passed around, depending on which side of the divide you find yourself, I am more worried about the health implications attached. Cancer is not something to make jokes out of as it claims millions of lives across the world every year. Again, some frightened lady who hitherto was not in favour of breast sucking may easily submit herself to torture with the belief that she is suffering for a good reason. Please, let us not confuse issues. Breast feeding is not the same as breast sucking. Breast feeding is the process of feeding new born and infants with breast milk. It is this that has been medically proven to be of immense benefit to both mother and child and can prevent breast cancer. There are no scientifically proven studies indicating that breast sucking is of any medical benefit to the the woman whose breast is being sucked or the person doing the sucking.
However, what has been scientifically proven is the fact that breast sucking when properly performed is of immense pleasure to the woman and may sometime on its own lead to orgasm or when combined with some other forms of sexual stimulation will help a woman to achieve orgasm quicker. Again, neither has any research shown that breast sucking can give a woman cancer.
So ladies, please relax and allow your guys do the job for you. if you are not enjoying the way he is doing it, tell him. I can assure you, it’s a win-win situation.
Thursday 12 February 2015
I discovered my boyfriend's double life when I saw Father's Day card from his wife and kids by Boudicca Fox-Leonard
Real Life Stories
Her lover was leading a secret life and on every weekend she thought he was working he was in fact with his other family
Deep pain: Gemma still feels furious
When mum Gemma Hawthorne found a colourful “Happy Daddy’s Day” card poking out from under a mat in her partner’s car, she naturally assumed it was a present from their little girl.
But as she opened it, she was stunned to see that neither of the two names scrawled inside was her daughter’s.
Heart pounding, she confronted Kye, her partner of five years, but he insisted it must have been dropped by a friend.
Fears assuaged, Gemma forgot all about it. After all, they were a happy family.
Only a few months later, Gemma, 31, found out it had been a lie.
The card belonged to Kye, who not only had two other children but was also a married man.
Her lover was leading a secret life and on every weekend she thought he was working he was in fact with his other family.
Seven months on, Gemma is still in shock and confused by how she suspected nothing for the five years they were together.
“It’s like something from Hollyoaks – I never thought anything like this would happen to me,” she says.
“It makes me shudder how he could so coolly do what he did. It’s frightening you can be so close to someone but never really know them at all.”
Cuddle: Couple pose for the camera
And while she now feels Kye was a “stranger”, she remembers feeling instantly attracted to him when they first met on a night out in Hastings, East Sussex.
“He wasn’t my usual type looks-wise but there was something about him that just connected,” she says.
“When my friends moved on I even stayed to talk to him. When I went to find my friends he and I agreed to meet up again.”
Before long, Gemma and Kye were seeing each other a few times a week.
Gemma says: “The first couple of times were at the weekend but Kye’s job on the railways meant that he usually worked Saturday and Sunday. Then we started meeting up during the week. He’d come over to my house and we’d have a takeaway.”
Their relationship developed quickly and within months Kye had moved in.
She says: “He had no furniture, no CDs – just a holdall of clothes. Looking back, I can see it was odd but I was relieved he wasn’t a hoarder like me.”
And Kye, 34, gave Gemma no other reason to be suspicious.
“We did all the usual things like dinner out, the cinema – we had a nice relationship,” says Gemma.
“It was frustrating that he wasn’t around at the weekends but I understood that his job meant unsociable hours.
“We’d be together all week and then at about 3am on Saturday he’d leave and come back Sunday night or Monday afternoon.”
Smile: Gemma and Kye at family party
Gemma’s family also liked Kye, although she never met any of his relatives.
“He’d come to my parents’ for dinner and he loved spending time with them – but when it came to his own family he had no contact,” she says.
“He never really spoke about his past. When I asked about it he said he’d wanted to get away and have a fresh start.”
When Gemma found out she was pregnant in September 2008 she was thrilled.
She says: “I felt so happy when the doctor told me. I was the right age, with the right guy. When I told Kye, he looked at me in complete shock. But then he got up and gave me a cuddle.
“He kept saying how amazing it would be to have our own family. I assumed his initial shock was man nerves.”
Over the following nine months, Gemma and Kye busily prepared for their new arrival – which Gemma believed was a first for both of them.
“He was there for scans and was really attentive. We were both excited about starting a family together,” she says.
And when baby Emma – whose name we have changed – was born in May 2009, Kye was by Gemma’s side.
“It took me a while to recover and Kye took time off and looked after me,” she recalls. “I felt lucky to have an amazing partner, with a house and a little girl.
“I didn’t want to get married. All we wanted was to get a house together and go on nice holidays, which we never managed because of his work.
"Looking back I can see now that our relationship wasn’t as perfect as it seemed. We never saw friends. It was just us two a lot. At Christmas I always accepted that he would have to work.”
Party: Gemma and Kye on a night out
So confident was Gemma in her relationship that even when she found the Father’s Day card she was only momentarily suspicious.
She says: “I know it sounds silly now but I trusted him. He was a great dad to Emma and really hands-on.
"He almost knew better what to do than I did. I thought he was just a natural.”
Desperate to have their first family Christmas, Gemma was ecstatic when Kye announced in September last year that he would not be working.
“I started planning and getting excited,” says Gemma.
“But a couple of days before Christmas he turned around and said he had to work after all. I hit the roof. He’d promised this year would be different.”
Grabbing Kye’s phone, Gemma called his boss.
“I started shouting at him too but he said to me, ‘But Kye’s not working Christmas’.
"I was totally confused. Kye stood there saying, ‘I can’t explain it’.”
After going out for an hour, Kye returned and finally came clean.
“He said he couldn’t do it any more,” says Gemma. “When I asked him what he meant, he told me.
"He had another family. He had a wife and kids.
“I was shaking with shock – I couldn’t believe my ears. I didn’t want to hear the details. I screamed at him to leave.
“I changed the locks on the doors and blocked his phone. I just felt that I didn’t know this person.
"I felt stupid for not noticing anything – but everyone around me was supportive. They were as confused as I was.”
Play-time: Gemma with daughter
What was hardest for Gemma was explaining to her daughter where Daddy had gone.
She says: “I told her he had gone away for a long time. At first she cried for him a lot.
“How can I ever tell her the truth?”
Seven months on and Gemma still feels angry. “I’ve not heard from him and I guess he’s with his wife,” she says.
“It’s hard to know how I feel when I don’t know why he did it – maybe he did fall in love or maybe I was easy to deceive because I wasn’t the jealous type.
“It’s hard suddenly being a single mum but I would never want Kye’s money. I don’t even want to see him.”
Despite everything, Gemma has started dating again. “It’s early days but he knows what I’ve been through,” says Gemma.
“It’s sad but I’ll never be able to trust anyone like I did ever again.”
Kye says: “I did deceive her. I always wanted to tell her but the timing was never right.
"It’s unfortunate and I’m not proud about it but these things happen.”
Monday 9 February 2015
5 Top Tips for Men on Valentines Day
How any man can be a Valentines Hero.
Best case most men are intimidated by Valentines Day. Worst case they resent it. A lot of men feel like Valentines Day is a lose, lose proposition. Expectations for romanceare sky high and men as a species are not super comfortable with their ability to deliver. Some men feel high-jacked by a “Hallmark” holiday.
Men feel pressure to spend a lot of money and compete with the romantic displays of other men with their women. No surprise, when the Valentines Day industry encourages this. I saw an ad for flowers yesterday where a woman talked about receiving a floral super gift at work that made all the other ladies jealous. Bottom line many men feel like they are set up to fail. So, what’s a guy to do??? More importantly, what’s a guy to do that doesn’t cost a fortune?
1. Two flowers. A rose first thing in the morning. They’ll cost you four bucks a piece at 7/11. Keep them in your car the night before. Give one to her before you leave the house in the morning and it’ll answer the question, “Did he remember the special day??” Hold the second flower back for later.
2. Yes, the celebration should include a meal. That doesn’t have to mean dinner at the most expensive spot in town. It can be a picnic, indoors or out. It can be a trip down memory lane, like the place you went on your first date. It could be lunch at hotel. Whatever it is, think intimate, vs. expensive.
3. Put pen to paper. Even if you’ve never done it, maybe especially if you’ve never done it, write a love note. Notice, I didn’t say letter, I said note. The recipe is simple, three paragraphs. First, a cherished memory you have of times with her. Second, something you love about her. Third, how she makes you feel. Sign it I love you, and you’re done. Very important note: Give her this note at dinner or deliver it to her office during the day.
4. Jewelery, or chocolate? Maybe none of the neither. Maybe a gift certificate for amassage or pedicure - either by a professional, or better yet, maybe by you. Treat her to something that will leave her feeling pampered and precious. If you opt to buy them, you’re looking at about $50.00. If you opt to offer up the pampering yourself, you better follow through, probably on Valentines evening.
5. Run her a bath. Before bedtime, run her a bath, light some candles in there, and sprinkle the petals from the last rose in the tub. Done..
Here's the biggest misunderstanding Americans have about marriage
Happily ever after, right?
The movies we watch as kids often make us think that relationships should be like Disney fairy tales.
No conflict. No effort. Easy.
That sort of "happily ever after" thinking frustrates psychologists, since research shows that if a couple never has conflict, they're bound to get stuck in one toxic dynamic or another.
It's a peculiarly American problem.
Psychologist John Gottman, who's studied marriages for 42 years and authored 40-some books on the topic, tells Business Insider that Americans believe "that disagreements and conflict are bad."
It's one of the country's biggest misconceptions about how marriages work, and one explanation for why divorce rates remain staggeringly high in the US.
"It's a particularly American view," Gottman says. "Americans believe that talking about your feelings is really bad, too — that just the passage of time will make it better."
Contrary to what Sleeping Beauty would lead you to believe, confrontations are a part of a relationship's maturation. In fact, research finds that healthy relationships rely on the ability to handle conflict in a healthy way.
Instead of defaulting to the extremes of hiding your emotions or endlessly telling your partner what to do, Gottman suggests practicing "intimate conversation." It's the subtle art of putting your emotions into words and asking thoughtful, exploratory questions of your partner.
Gottman says that the American hesitance around talking about difficult subjects comes from the country's British, particularly Anglo-Saxon, heritage.
"Anglo-Saxon cultures tend to be honor cultures, where any kind of opposition is viewed as a moral affront," he says. "You don't tolerate disagreement. You think that disagreement is dysfunctional, and agreement is functional. When someone says you're wrong, you take it as a moral affront."
The movies we watch as kids often make us think that relationships should be like Disney fairy tales.
No conflict. No effort. Easy.
That sort of "happily ever after" thinking frustrates psychologists, since research shows that if a couple never has conflict, they're bound to get stuck in one toxic dynamic or another.
It's a peculiarly American problem.
Psychologist John Gottman, who's studied marriages for 42 years and authored 40-some books on the topic, tells Business Insider that Americans believe "that disagreements and conflict are bad."
It's one of the country's biggest misconceptions about how marriages work, and one explanation for why divorce rates remain staggeringly high in the US.
"It's a particularly American view," Gottman says. "Americans believe that talking about your feelings is really bad, too — that just the passage of time will make it better."
Contrary to what Sleeping Beauty would lead you to believe, confrontations are a part of a relationship's maturation. In fact, research finds that healthy relationships rely on the ability to handle conflict in a healthy way.
Instead of defaulting to the extremes of hiding your emotions or endlessly telling your partner what to do, Gottman suggests practicing "intimate conversation." It's the subtle art of putting your emotions into words and asking thoughtful, exploratory questions of your partner.
Gottman says that the American hesitance around talking about difficult subjects comes from the country's British, particularly Anglo-Saxon, heritage.
"Anglo-Saxon cultures tend to be honor cultures, where any kind of opposition is viewed as a moral affront," he says. "You don't tolerate disagreement. You think that disagreement is dysfunctional, and agreement is functional. When someone says you're wrong, you take it as a moral affront."
5 Realities About Prenuptial Agreements -- Why Having One May Be a Bad Choice for Your Marriage by Laurie Israel
Recently many articles have been appearing on the internet extolling the virtues of entering into a prenuptial or premarital agreement prior to your marriage. I offer the following reflections from my practice of law and work as a mediator to strongly counter the idea that prenuptial agreements have no “cost” and provide only benefit to a marrying couple. Both people entering into marriages should seriously consider what these realities are prior to engaging in the idea that a prenuptial agreement will be good for you and your marriage.
Reality 1: Negotiating a prenuptial agreement may irrevocably corrode your marriage and has the potential to make divorce much more likely.
The future spouse who pushes for a prenuptial agreement demonstrates a lack of faith in the other and a lack of commitment to the marriage. That prospective spouse also presumes a lack of fairness from the other in case of divorce.
There is usually an “initiator” spouse, and a “compliant” spouse. The negotiations will always be remembered as callous by the “compliant” spouse. The dynamics of the negotiations set up a bad pattern for the marriage.
Negotiating a prenuptial agreement is not romantic and can destroy a portion of the couples’ love forever. It is a harsh business negotiation, made harsher by the lawyers who must be involved, because the agreement is generally not enforceable without involvement of separate legal counsel.
Marriage is a mixture of a complicated set of laws, customs, expectations, and culturally-based understandings. A premarital agreement will upset this balance in unexpected ways and is bound to have unintended consequences.
Most lawyers representing parties in prenuptial agreements have no sensitivity to the harm they cause the couple and simply act (or pretend) as if it is purely a business deal. Marriage is not a business.
Often the initiating party (or their lawyer) says, “You can just put the premarital agreement in a drawer and forget about it.” That is not true. The premarital agreement cannot be forgotten and is presumptively legally binding as soon as it is pulled out of the drawer.
The initiator of a prenuptial agreement fails to trust and appreciate the balance of good common sense and equity embodied in state divorce laws. These laws were carefully developed during a long period of time and are designed to provide for fair solutions to all aspects of divorce, including the financial elements.
Many things, unforeseeable at the time the prenuptial agreement is signed, will likely happen during the course of a marriage. Applying these state laws at the time of divorce is more sensible than anything the parties can think of years before the divorce occurs.
If a “better” result than would be obtained by state divorce laws accrues to the party who initiated the premarital agreement, that “better” result is by definition unfair and a result of overreaching.
Reality 2: The two parties negotiating a Prenuptial Agreement do not generally have equal bargaining power, so the Agreement tends to be coercive and lacking in fair and equivalent consideration.
I have seen many cases where parties negotiate prenuptial agreements very close to the wedding and after the invitations have been sent out. This is not conducive for arm’s-length bargaining about a financial contract that may affect the next 50 years of your life.
Prenuptial agreements are generally one-sided, but are “dressed up” to pretend that there is consideration for the contract on both sides.
The financial contract at the heart of the Prenuptial Agreement involves the largest financial settlement you will ever make in your life, because it includes all property – past, present, and future; inherited, earned, and unearned – , of each of the spouses.
Even mediators can be insensitive to the power imbalance in the parties when assisting clients in negotiating a prenuptial agreement. Mediators should be very aware that the agreement proposed by “both parties” may be really the thoughts of only one and that the other party feels coerced, although does not admit it. All motivations and feelings should be exposed and discussed in the mediation prior to proceeding.
Reality 3: Prenuptial agreements are generally not appropriate for people entering into first marriages, whether or not there is a disparity in income and assets.
Marriage is an exciting joint venture. If some of the aspects of the joint venture are removed by the premarital agreement, the marriage will become weaker. An important part of the joint venture of marriage is the financial partnership. A spouse may correctly feel that some of this aspect of the marriage has been taken away if a premarital agreement is entered into decreasing the spouse’s rights.
State divorce laws can handle the issues of disparity of income and disparity of premarital assets if and when the spouses get divorced. Avoiding court at the cost of an agreement that may make it more likely that there will be marriage failure may not be a sensible trade-off.
However, prenuptial agreements can be highly useful for people entering into second marriages who have children from the first marriage. An agreement can balance a spouse’s loyalty to the new spouse and with the spouse’s concern and loyalty to the children of the first marriage.
Reality 4: A Prenuptial Agreement often damages the relationship between the two families-of-origin.
A party (or the party’s parents) may want a financial agreement prior to the marriage due to the existence of family wealth. The premarital agreement generally isolates all family property as not part of the marriage, forever. Result: the future spouse’s family feels humiliated and disrespected, and never forgets the rebuff. This is not good for the parties’ marriage, as it will result in family-of-origin conflict that will be present during the entire marriage and remembered until death.
One common fact pattern that I see often is this: the future spouse does not want to have a prenuptial agreement, but his parents insist. The prenuptial agreement is made. The wife feels her husband was unable to stand up to his parents, and loses respect for him.
The control of the marriage by one party’s family of origin disturbs the delicate balance of a marriage and makes it more likely to fail.
Reality 5: The terms of a Prenuptial Agreement are often quite unfair at the time of divorce, even though they are generally enforced by a Court.
Courts routinely enforce premarital agreements that give a spouse a fraction of what the spouse would “deserve” under state law. This proves that the deal made in the prenuptial agreement years earlier were unfair to that spouse.
Parties struggle in courts over prenuptial agreements; prenuptial agreements per se do not eliminate court battles.
Divorce laws are fair. That’s why they were developed. Trust in them (and in your good will and sense of fairness to each other) to do the right thing at the time of divorce. Do not rely on a set of financial agreements made years earlier prior to the marriage that may be totally out of sync with the real facts at the time of divorce. Trust that by foregoing the premarital agreement you have made your marriage stronger and more likely to succeed.
Reality 1: Negotiating a prenuptial agreement may irrevocably corrode your marriage and has the potential to make divorce much more likely.
The future spouse who pushes for a prenuptial agreement demonstrates a lack of faith in the other and a lack of commitment to the marriage. That prospective spouse also presumes a lack of fairness from the other in case of divorce.
There is usually an “initiator” spouse, and a “compliant” spouse. The negotiations will always be remembered as callous by the “compliant” spouse. The dynamics of the negotiations set up a bad pattern for the marriage.
Negotiating a prenuptial agreement is not romantic and can destroy a portion of the couples’ love forever. It is a harsh business negotiation, made harsher by the lawyers who must be involved, because the agreement is generally not enforceable without involvement of separate legal counsel.
Marriage is a mixture of a complicated set of laws, customs, expectations, and culturally-based understandings. A premarital agreement will upset this balance in unexpected ways and is bound to have unintended consequences.
Most lawyers representing parties in prenuptial agreements have no sensitivity to the harm they cause the couple and simply act (or pretend) as if it is purely a business deal. Marriage is not a business.
Often the initiating party (or their lawyer) says, “You can just put the premarital agreement in a drawer and forget about it.” That is not true. The premarital agreement cannot be forgotten and is presumptively legally binding as soon as it is pulled out of the drawer.
The initiator of a prenuptial agreement fails to trust and appreciate the balance of good common sense and equity embodied in state divorce laws. These laws were carefully developed during a long period of time and are designed to provide for fair solutions to all aspects of divorce, including the financial elements.
Many things, unforeseeable at the time the prenuptial agreement is signed, will likely happen during the course of a marriage. Applying these state laws at the time of divorce is more sensible than anything the parties can think of years before the divorce occurs.
If a “better” result than would be obtained by state divorce laws accrues to the party who initiated the premarital agreement, that “better” result is by definition unfair and a result of overreaching.
Reality 2: The two parties negotiating a Prenuptial Agreement do not generally have equal bargaining power, so the Agreement tends to be coercive and lacking in fair and equivalent consideration.
I have seen many cases where parties negotiate prenuptial agreements very close to the wedding and after the invitations have been sent out. This is not conducive for arm’s-length bargaining about a financial contract that may affect the next 50 years of your life.
Prenuptial agreements are generally one-sided, but are “dressed up” to pretend that there is consideration for the contract on both sides.
The financial contract at the heart of the Prenuptial Agreement involves the largest financial settlement you will ever make in your life, because it includes all property – past, present, and future; inherited, earned, and unearned – , of each of the spouses.
Even mediators can be insensitive to the power imbalance in the parties when assisting clients in negotiating a prenuptial agreement. Mediators should be very aware that the agreement proposed by “both parties” may be really the thoughts of only one and that the other party feels coerced, although does not admit it. All motivations and feelings should be exposed and discussed in the mediation prior to proceeding.
Reality 3: Prenuptial agreements are generally not appropriate for people entering into first marriages, whether or not there is a disparity in income and assets.
Marriage is an exciting joint venture. If some of the aspects of the joint venture are removed by the premarital agreement, the marriage will become weaker. An important part of the joint venture of marriage is the financial partnership. A spouse may correctly feel that some of this aspect of the marriage has been taken away if a premarital agreement is entered into decreasing the spouse’s rights.
State divorce laws can handle the issues of disparity of income and disparity of premarital assets if and when the spouses get divorced. Avoiding court at the cost of an agreement that may make it more likely that there will be marriage failure may not be a sensible trade-off.
However, prenuptial agreements can be highly useful for people entering into second marriages who have children from the first marriage. An agreement can balance a spouse’s loyalty to the new spouse and with the spouse’s concern and loyalty to the children of the first marriage.
Reality 4: A Prenuptial Agreement often damages the relationship between the two families-of-origin.
A party (or the party’s parents) may want a financial agreement prior to the marriage due to the existence of family wealth. The premarital agreement generally isolates all family property as not part of the marriage, forever. Result: the future spouse’s family feels humiliated and disrespected, and never forgets the rebuff. This is not good for the parties’ marriage, as it will result in family-of-origin conflict that will be present during the entire marriage and remembered until death.
One common fact pattern that I see often is this: the future spouse does not want to have a prenuptial agreement, but his parents insist. The prenuptial agreement is made. The wife feels her husband was unable to stand up to his parents, and loses respect for him.
The control of the marriage by one party’s family of origin disturbs the delicate balance of a marriage and makes it more likely to fail.
Reality 5: The terms of a Prenuptial Agreement are often quite unfair at the time of divorce, even though they are generally enforced by a Court.
Courts routinely enforce premarital agreements that give a spouse a fraction of what the spouse would “deserve” under state law. This proves that the deal made in the prenuptial agreement years earlier were unfair to that spouse.
Parties struggle in courts over prenuptial agreements; prenuptial agreements per se do not eliminate court battles.
Divorce laws are fair. That’s why they were developed. Trust in them (and in your good will and sense of fairness to each other) to do the right thing at the time of divorce. Do not rely on a set of financial agreements made years earlier prior to the marriage that may be totally out of sync with the real facts at the time of divorce. Trust that by foregoing the premarital agreement you have made your marriage stronger and more likely to succeed.
Are You Really Ready for Divorce? The 8 Questions You Need to Ask by Bruce Derman, Wendy Gregson
Your marriage is in question and you're facing a real dilemma. You may be the one who is deciding should you stay or should you go.
"I feel like I need to get a divorce and end this so called marriage. Yet how can I be sure? Some days I feel more confident of my decision than others. A part of me still loves him or at least I care for him. I don't think I am in love with him, but what if I make a mistake. A lot of people will be affected by what I decide. Maybe I should not rush ahead with this. That's amusing since I have been thinking about it for three years. This whole thing wouldn't even be an issue and I could forget about this divorce, if he would just change his behavior."
Or you may be the one who has just heard that your spouse wants a divorce.
"Divorce? Where did that come from? Two weeks ago we were talking about a vacation in the mountains. I had no idea our marriage was this awful? I am shocked and devastated. I have got to find a way to put a stop to this. Maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up things will be back to normal."
Most books and articles on divorce are written based on the assumption that once a couple says they want a divorce that they are ready for divorce. It is our experience as therapists and divorce coaches, who have helped many people through this process that this is in fact not the case. Usually when couples begin the divorce process, either one but more often than not, both, are not really ready for the divorce.
Divorce professionals such as therapists, mediators and attorneys often believe that statements such as, "I've had it with him." or "My feelings have died for her," are indicators that the marriage is over. Attorney's often equate being hired for their services as an indicator that the couple is ready to divorce. This is not so.
Most couples who begin a divorce are unprepared and are often not even on the same page when they begin. It is this lack of preparedness and readiness for a divorce that either causes marriages to end prematurely or divorces to deteriorate into competitive contests. The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make with consequences that last for years or a lifetime. A decision this important requires much greater attention than it is usually given by both couples and professionals. It is a process in and of itself. Once a couple is prepared and ready, they will sooner be able to begin their divorce by both being on the same page and this will eliminate most of the emotional and financial struggles that cause divorces to become adversarial and ruthless.
The reason many people do not even think about getting ready for a divorce is because they operate under the assumption that the sooner you can get out of a stressful situation the better. So there is a natural tendency for people who are in difficult marriages to want to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible in order to move on with their lives. Family and friends often encourage this as well. They hurt for the family and so also prescribe to the myth that the quicker the divorce is over, the sooner everything will return to normal. But unfortunately in most cases just the opposite happens. Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts or options. As a result they are unprepared for the roller coaster of emotions, the complicated legal system and the many life changing decisions that they need to make. Quite often they make agreements which they cannot sustain, and instead of the situation getting better, they often find that they have just traded one set of problems for another. So it is no wonder that they often get tangled up in lengthy court cases and the very thing they hoped for, a quick divorce, often takes years.
This article outlines what couples need to do in order to face the numerous dilemmas that are inherent in divorce. A dilemma implies that you are torn between two choices, each of which have undesirable fearful elements. If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility; vulnerability, or dependency.
Whether a couple is starting the divorce process or even just contemplating a divorce, they need to first identify with the following divorce dilemmas.
The Three Divorce Dilemmas
Couples who are facing the possibility of a divorce face one of three dilemmas:
1. I want the divorce, but I am not sure if it is the right decision. Since going through a divorce impacts the lives of your children, as well as your lifestyle, economics, and marital investment, the pressure to make the "perfectly correct" decision is enormous. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. The best case scenario is to make a decision that is not emotionally based, nor driven by your ego.
2. I do not want the divorce, my spouse does. Being in this reactive place will leave you feeling out of control and a helpless victim. You will experience intense emotional devastation, as your life will be changing before your eyes without you having any say in the outcome. In addressing this dilemma you need to ask yourself if you are clinging to staying on familiar, safe ground and to a marriage based on illusions. It is not easy to acknowledge and confront the problems in a marriage, when you are feeling so hurt by your partner.
3. I only want this divorce because my marriage is not working. If this is your dilemma, then you will want to avoid responsibility at all costs by seeing your partner to blame for the demise of the marriage. There will be tremendous preoccupation and anger about how your partner caused you to make this decision. The amount of noise generated from this blaming will be in direct proportion to your unwillingness to risk expressing any of your own fears and sadness. If this doesn't occur, the divorce proceedings to follow will be riddled with tension and conflict, and a continuation of the blaming.
The common element in all three dilemmas is fear. In the first group there is a fear of making a mistake and being incorrect, the second will hide from it by denying that there are any problems or admitting their attachment to the familiar and the third group will fear any accountability and softness. The result in all three circumstances will be dragging, combative, and back and forth divorces.
For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally. To do this each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the following 8 questions.
The 8 Questions
1. Do you still have feelings for your partner?
Many people who say they want a divorce still have strong feelings for their partner, but due to an ongoing power struggle in the relationship there is a lack of intimacy and closeness. If this is you, it is best that you work on your relationship prior to deciding to divorce otherwise your feelings of loss will overwhelm you and you may find yourself worse off after the divorce than you are now.
Celine had been married for seven years to a man she loved, who she considered to be a real sweet, gentle guy. However, she was very unhappy about their financial arrangement. She was the responsible one who paid all the expenses, while he seemed to be forever getting them further into debt. She was very stressed and miserable and saw divorce as her only way out of the financial strain she was under. But because of her feelings for him she was not able to support such a decision or even set a clear boundary, for fear of losing the relationship. With the help of her therapist, Celine recognized that she either needed to either set a clear boundary and be willing to lose the relationship, or else accept that all her hassling was a waste of time.
2. Were you ever really married?
To be really married a couple must have created a relationship that included an "us" or a "we." Many people who are considering a divorce have never had a marriage that was anything more than two individuals meeting their own needs. They may have raised children and shared a home but they participated in those activities from a competitive rather than unified position. They would ask -- "Do I want to do this or that", rather than ask "Is this good for us?" If you have not developed a genuine "we" in your relationship this would be the time to either commit to learning how to do that or to admit that you have never really had a marriage.
Even as a therapist who works in the area of divorce, I had a very difficult time admitting that my own marriage of fourteen years was in fact in name only, regardless of the years that we lived under the label of husband and wife. Our pattern was to threaten to break up every few months, and we had a daily ritual of fighting, and agreements that rarely lasted more than a week. I used to joke to my wife that she needed to keep her bags packed just in case she needed to leave quickly. This pattern remained despite the numerous counseling offices we attended. It was not until I was able to acknowledge to myself that I was neither single nor married, that I was in fact nowhere, did any real change occur. We started the real divorce process two months later.
3. Are you truly ready for divorce or are you just threatening?
Divorce is often threatened, especially in heated marital arguments for the following reasons;
Out of anger and frustration.
To gain power and control over the other person, to get them to see things your way.
To finally be taken seriously that you want real change.
As a wake up call that the marriage is faltering.
People who consistently threaten divorce lose credibility with themselves and their partner. If the person is not merely threatening, but is genuinely ready for a divorce, they can sustain the following thought in their own mind, "That I wish to close a chapter of my life, because I am at peace with the fact that there is no more that I can do or give to this relationship." They will discuss this appropriately with their spouse without any blame.
4. Is this a sincere decision based on self awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision?
To be ready to divorce your partner means being able to make a clear, unemotional decision that you can support over time. Divorce means being able to let go of all strong emotional attachments to the other person, the loving ones as well as the hostile and hurtful ones. Emotionally charged decisions do not last and if acted on do not resolve the underlying problem. People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over.
A woman came to see me as her divorce coach after she had been divorced for five years because she was still struggling with the effects of her divorce. Her problem was that she was still feeling rage toward her ex husband and found her self hating him on a weekly basis. I said to her, "It sounds like you are still married." She insisted that this was incorrect due to the hatred she had for him. I responded that the hate she was experiencing essentially reflected a great passion toward him despite her hateful label, which I doubted any current man could match. I stated that only someone who is married could have such a passion. From that moment on she began to emotionally detach from her ex husband and work towards, with the help of the coaching, a real divorce.
A statement that would indicate that you are making a sincere, rather than an emotionally reactive decision is, "I acknowledge that you are a person in your own right with your own personality, hopes and dreams, I can respect you for that, but I no longer want to be married to you."
To be ready for divorce is to have a lower emotional attachment to the person you are separating from, other wise, the divorce process itself will be roller coaster of intense feelings, including anger, distrust and hurt.
5. What is your intent in wanting a divorce?
Any agenda, other than ending the marriage, is an indication that you are not ready to divorce. If you are hoping that through the divorce the other person will change and start treating you better, realize how much they have lost or pay for how much they have hurt you, you are getting a divorce for the wrong reason. Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people's hearts and minds. Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people.
6. Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce?
Everyone who goes through a divorce is conflicted. People can feel guilty at the same time as they are sure that they want to end the relationship. Or they can feel betrayed and at the same time recognize that their life will be better once they are out of the relationship. Recognizing the conflict and owning that different parts of you will be struggling with the impact of divorce, at different times, is part of the process of getting ready for divorce.
Rick was having the hardest time deciding what to do about his marriage. For the longest time he claimed that he was confused, conflicted, and torn. He couldn't seem to feel at peace being in the marriage or in leaving. His wife was verbally beating him up over his indecisiveness, often calling him a wimp. As his therapist, I asked to speak to the part of him who wanted out and I told him I didn't want to hear from any other part. He started to speak quite clearly about feeling no passion for his wife, but within a minute he began to hedge this voice with statements like "She is a good mother or she is dependable." Each time he would attempt to dilute in this way, I would have to say that I only wanted to hear from the voice that wants "out." As the wanting "out" voice became more and more expressive, he began to visibly sweat. I asked "What is happening?" Finally, he said, "I am feeling guilty." Where is that coming from?," I asked He said, "I made a promise that I would never follow the path of my father who left my mother." With this opposing voice sorted out and clarified, he was no longer confused. He was able to see that this old promise to himself was in conflict with his present desire to end his marriage. As he continued to work through those two opposing parts of himself he was finally able to make a decision that he felt at peace with and three months later he began the divorce proceedings.
7. Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?
Divorce brings change and grief because it is the loss of the "happy family" dream. Hurts , disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, inadequacy can all take hold of the psyche when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage. To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce it is necessary to have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed.
One of the hardest consequences of divorce is needing to face another person's pain, be it your children's, your family or friends because divorce affects so many people's lives. If you are the one choosing they divorce you will have to hold on to your decision and the ending of your marriage in the face of all these people and circumstances. If you are the one who does not want the divorce, but your spouse wants to proceed, you will still need to get ready to accept the following consequences of a failed marriage. To know if you are ready, ask yourself if you are prepared for the following changes;
If you don't want changes to your finances, lifestyle or traditions then you are not ready for divorce;
If you cannot accept your children's sadness and anger then you are not ready for divorce
If you cannot acceptance times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce
If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.
I recall one woman who was totally bored with her one dimensional passive husband and she expressed what seemed like a very strong desire to leave him after 20 years of marriage. Each time she would tell me that she was going to tell him she wanted to separate, she would back off long before she got home. To help her recognize her own struggle we made a list of the consequences of divorce, and the one thing she said she could never accept was the fact that her kids would hate her for leaving their father. She said she could not risk that, no matter how bored she was. Once she owned that this unpleasant consequence of her divorcing him would be more than she could stand, she was able to think of other ways to resolve the problem of being bored in her marriage. Over time she became more independent and started to travel and develop interests of her own.
8. Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way?
Whether you are the one who wants the divorce or the one who is having to respond to your spouse wanting the divorce both situations have one thing in common, the marriage is ending. How people respond to this fact determines the type of divorce and future they will have. They can come from a position of bitterness, revenge or helplessness or they can negotiate for their future from a position of strength, understanding and respect.. The attitude you choose will determine the type of divorce you have. Your options are as follows: You can make Agreements that:
Protect your rights only or Respect your spouse's rights too
Are only good for you or Are good for everyone
Give your spouse less or Give your spouse what is rightfully theirs
Do not inconvenience you or Work well for everyone
Need frequent court hearings to enforce or Need no court hearings to enforce
It is our experience that people who prepare themselves by first addressing all 8 questions are more likely to have a collaborative divorce. By starting the process in this way they are much better able to make lasting agreements with each other, resolve their difficulties and develop parenting plans that both supports the children and respects each other's rights.
"I feel like I need to get a divorce and end this so called marriage. Yet how can I be sure? Some days I feel more confident of my decision than others. A part of me still loves him or at least I care for him. I don't think I am in love with him, but what if I make a mistake. A lot of people will be affected by what I decide. Maybe I should not rush ahead with this. That's amusing since I have been thinking about it for three years. This whole thing wouldn't even be an issue and I could forget about this divorce, if he would just change his behavior."
Or you may be the one who has just heard that your spouse wants a divorce.
"Divorce? Where did that come from? Two weeks ago we were talking about a vacation in the mountains. I had no idea our marriage was this awful? I am shocked and devastated. I have got to find a way to put a stop to this. Maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up things will be back to normal."
Most books and articles on divorce are written based on the assumption that once a couple says they want a divorce that they are ready for divorce. It is our experience as therapists and divorce coaches, who have helped many people through this process that this is in fact not the case. Usually when couples begin the divorce process, either one but more often than not, both, are not really ready for the divorce.
Divorce professionals such as therapists, mediators and attorneys often believe that statements such as, "I've had it with him." or "My feelings have died for her," are indicators that the marriage is over. Attorney's often equate being hired for their services as an indicator that the couple is ready to divorce. This is not so.
Most couples who begin a divorce are unprepared and are often not even on the same page when they begin. It is this lack of preparedness and readiness for a divorce that either causes marriages to end prematurely or divorces to deteriorate into competitive contests. The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make with consequences that last for years or a lifetime. A decision this important requires much greater attention than it is usually given by both couples and professionals. It is a process in and of itself. Once a couple is prepared and ready, they will sooner be able to begin their divorce by both being on the same page and this will eliminate most of the emotional and financial struggles that cause divorces to become adversarial and ruthless.
The reason many people do not even think about getting ready for a divorce is because they operate under the assumption that the sooner you can get out of a stressful situation the better. So there is a natural tendency for people who are in difficult marriages to want to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible in order to move on with their lives. Family and friends often encourage this as well. They hurt for the family and so also prescribe to the myth that the quicker the divorce is over, the sooner everything will return to normal. But unfortunately in most cases just the opposite happens. Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts or options. As a result they are unprepared for the roller coaster of emotions, the complicated legal system and the many life changing decisions that they need to make. Quite often they make agreements which they cannot sustain, and instead of the situation getting better, they often find that they have just traded one set of problems for another. So it is no wonder that they often get tangled up in lengthy court cases and the very thing they hoped for, a quick divorce, often takes years.
This article outlines what couples need to do in order to face the numerous dilemmas that are inherent in divorce. A dilemma implies that you are torn between two choices, each of which have undesirable fearful elements. If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility; vulnerability, or dependency.
Whether a couple is starting the divorce process or even just contemplating a divorce, they need to first identify with the following divorce dilemmas.
The Three Divorce Dilemmas
Couples who are facing the possibility of a divorce face one of three dilemmas:
1. I want the divorce, but I am not sure if it is the right decision. Since going through a divorce impacts the lives of your children, as well as your lifestyle, economics, and marital investment, the pressure to make the "perfectly correct" decision is enormous. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. The best case scenario is to make a decision that is not emotionally based, nor driven by your ego.
2. I do not want the divorce, my spouse does. Being in this reactive place will leave you feeling out of control and a helpless victim. You will experience intense emotional devastation, as your life will be changing before your eyes without you having any say in the outcome. In addressing this dilemma you need to ask yourself if you are clinging to staying on familiar, safe ground and to a marriage based on illusions. It is not easy to acknowledge and confront the problems in a marriage, when you are feeling so hurt by your partner.
3. I only want this divorce because my marriage is not working. If this is your dilemma, then you will want to avoid responsibility at all costs by seeing your partner to blame for the demise of the marriage. There will be tremendous preoccupation and anger about how your partner caused you to make this decision. The amount of noise generated from this blaming will be in direct proportion to your unwillingness to risk expressing any of your own fears and sadness. If this doesn't occur, the divorce proceedings to follow will be riddled with tension and conflict, and a continuation of the blaming.
The common element in all three dilemmas is fear. In the first group there is a fear of making a mistake and being incorrect, the second will hide from it by denying that there are any problems or admitting their attachment to the familiar and the third group will fear any accountability and softness. The result in all three circumstances will be dragging, combative, and back and forth divorces.
For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally. To do this each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the following 8 questions.
The 8 Questions
1. Do you still have feelings for your partner?
Many people who say they want a divorce still have strong feelings for their partner, but due to an ongoing power struggle in the relationship there is a lack of intimacy and closeness. If this is you, it is best that you work on your relationship prior to deciding to divorce otherwise your feelings of loss will overwhelm you and you may find yourself worse off after the divorce than you are now.
Celine had been married for seven years to a man she loved, who she considered to be a real sweet, gentle guy. However, she was very unhappy about their financial arrangement. She was the responsible one who paid all the expenses, while he seemed to be forever getting them further into debt. She was very stressed and miserable and saw divorce as her only way out of the financial strain she was under. But because of her feelings for him she was not able to support such a decision or even set a clear boundary, for fear of losing the relationship. With the help of her therapist, Celine recognized that she either needed to either set a clear boundary and be willing to lose the relationship, or else accept that all her hassling was a waste of time.
2. Were you ever really married?
To be really married a couple must have created a relationship that included an "us" or a "we." Many people who are considering a divorce have never had a marriage that was anything more than two individuals meeting their own needs. They may have raised children and shared a home but they participated in those activities from a competitive rather than unified position. They would ask -- "Do I want to do this or that", rather than ask "Is this good for us?" If you have not developed a genuine "we" in your relationship this would be the time to either commit to learning how to do that or to admit that you have never really had a marriage.
Even as a therapist who works in the area of divorce, I had a very difficult time admitting that my own marriage of fourteen years was in fact in name only, regardless of the years that we lived under the label of husband and wife. Our pattern was to threaten to break up every few months, and we had a daily ritual of fighting, and agreements that rarely lasted more than a week. I used to joke to my wife that she needed to keep her bags packed just in case she needed to leave quickly. This pattern remained despite the numerous counseling offices we attended. It was not until I was able to acknowledge to myself that I was neither single nor married, that I was in fact nowhere, did any real change occur. We started the real divorce process two months later.
3. Are you truly ready for divorce or are you just threatening?
Divorce is often threatened, especially in heated marital arguments for the following reasons;
Out of anger and frustration.
To gain power and control over the other person, to get them to see things your way.
To finally be taken seriously that you want real change.
As a wake up call that the marriage is faltering.
People who consistently threaten divorce lose credibility with themselves and their partner. If the person is not merely threatening, but is genuinely ready for a divorce, they can sustain the following thought in their own mind, "That I wish to close a chapter of my life, because I am at peace with the fact that there is no more that I can do or give to this relationship." They will discuss this appropriately with their spouse without any blame.
4. Is this a sincere decision based on self awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision?
To be ready to divorce your partner means being able to make a clear, unemotional decision that you can support over time. Divorce means being able to let go of all strong emotional attachments to the other person, the loving ones as well as the hostile and hurtful ones. Emotionally charged decisions do not last and if acted on do not resolve the underlying problem. People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over.
A woman came to see me as her divorce coach after she had been divorced for five years because she was still struggling with the effects of her divorce. Her problem was that she was still feeling rage toward her ex husband and found her self hating him on a weekly basis. I said to her, "It sounds like you are still married." She insisted that this was incorrect due to the hatred she had for him. I responded that the hate she was experiencing essentially reflected a great passion toward him despite her hateful label, which I doubted any current man could match. I stated that only someone who is married could have such a passion. From that moment on she began to emotionally detach from her ex husband and work towards, with the help of the coaching, a real divorce.
A statement that would indicate that you are making a sincere, rather than an emotionally reactive decision is, "I acknowledge that you are a person in your own right with your own personality, hopes and dreams, I can respect you for that, but I no longer want to be married to you."
To be ready for divorce is to have a lower emotional attachment to the person you are separating from, other wise, the divorce process itself will be roller coaster of intense feelings, including anger, distrust and hurt.
5. What is your intent in wanting a divorce?
Any agenda, other than ending the marriage, is an indication that you are not ready to divorce. If you are hoping that through the divorce the other person will change and start treating you better, realize how much they have lost or pay for how much they have hurt you, you are getting a divorce for the wrong reason. Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people's hearts and minds. Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people.
6. Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce?
Everyone who goes through a divorce is conflicted. People can feel guilty at the same time as they are sure that they want to end the relationship. Or they can feel betrayed and at the same time recognize that their life will be better once they are out of the relationship. Recognizing the conflict and owning that different parts of you will be struggling with the impact of divorce, at different times, is part of the process of getting ready for divorce.
Rick was having the hardest time deciding what to do about his marriage. For the longest time he claimed that he was confused, conflicted, and torn. He couldn't seem to feel at peace being in the marriage or in leaving. His wife was verbally beating him up over his indecisiveness, often calling him a wimp. As his therapist, I asked to speak to the part of him who wanted out and I told him I didn't want to hear from any other part. He started to speak quite clearly about feeling no passion for his wife, but within a minute he began to hedge this voice with statements like "She is a good mother or she is dependable." Each time he would attempt to dilute in this way, I would have to say that I only wanted to hear from the voice that wants "out." As the wanting "out" voice became more and more expressive, he began to visibly sweat. I asked "What is happening?" Finally, he said, "I am feeling guilty." Where is that coming from?," I asked He said, "I made a promise that I would never follow the path of my father who left my mother." With this opposing voice sorted out and clarified, he was no longer confused. He was able to see that this old promise to himself was in conflict with his present desire to end his marriage. As he continued to work through those two opposing parts of himself he was finally able to make a decision that he felt at peace with and three months later he began the divorce proceedings.
7. Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?
Divorce brings change and grief because it is the loss of the "happy family" dream. Hurts , disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, inadequacy can all take hold of the psyche when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage. To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce it is necessary to have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed.
One of the hardest consequences of divorce is needing to face another person's pain, be it your children's, your family or friends because divorce affects so many people's lives. If you are the one choosing they divorce you will have to hold on to your decision and the ending of your marriage in the face of all these people and circumstances. If you are the one who does not want the divorce, but your spouse wants to proceed, you will still need to get ready to accept the following consequences of a failed marriage. To know if you are ready, ask yourself if you are prepared for the following changes;
If you don't want changes to your finances, lifestyle or traditions then you are not ready for divorce;
If you cannot accept your children's sadness and anger then you are not ready for divorce
If you cannot acceptance times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce
If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.
I recall one woman who was totally bored with her one dimensional passive husband and she expressed what seemed like a very strong desire to leave him after 20 years of marriage. Each time she would tell me that she was going to tell him she wanted to separate, she would back off long before she got home. To help her recognize her own struggle we made a list of the consequences of divorce, and the one thing she said she could never accept was the fact that her kids would hate her for leaving their father. She said she could not risk that, no matter how bored she was. Once she owned that this unpleasant consequence of her divorcing him would be more than she could stand, she was able to think of other ways to resolve the problem of being bored in her marriage. Over time she became more independent and started to travel and develop interests of her own.
8. Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way?
Whether you are the one who wants the divorce or the one who is having to respond to your spouse wanting the divorce both situations have one thing in common, the marriage is ending. How people respond to this fact determines the type of divorce and future they will have. They can come from a position of bitterness, revenge or helplessness or they can negotiate for their future from a position of strength, understanding and respect.. The attitude you choose will determine the type of divorce you have. Your options are as follows: You can make Agreements that:
Protect your rights only or Respect your spouse's rights too
Are only good for you or Are good for everyone
Give your spouse less or Give your spouse what is rightfully theirs
Do not inconvenience you or Work well for everyone
Need frequent court hearings to enforce or Need no court hearings to enforce
It is our experience that people who prepare themselves by first addressing all 8 questions are more likely to have a collaborative divorce. By starting the process in this way they are much better able to make lasting agreements with each other, resolve their difficulties and develop parenting plans that both supports the children and respects each other's rights.
Reason Guys Cheat: As Told By A Guy Who Has Cheated by Joe Welkie
Cheating is bad. We all know that. We all know that it is a dishonest and hurtful thing to do to a person with whom you are in a relationship. Still, people do it without regard for their significant other’s feelings. They also don’t seem to care about the consequences, most of the time.
How do I know this? Well, I’ve cheated. Yes, that makes me somewhat of a sh*tty person, I get it. However, allow me to explain myself before you jump on the hate train.
It wasn’t that I thought my girlfriend at the time was a bad person, and it wasn’t that I wasn’t into her; it wasn’t that I didn’t love her. It was something far more complex than that, something that I don’t think most people can understand. So, here’s my best explanation as to why I did it and why I believe I’m not alone:
Many, if not most, men are self-conscious creatures who harbor plenty of insecurities. I certainly do, at least. The story of how I cheated has nothing to do with the girl I was dating, but everything to do with an internal conflict that I’m sure plagues many cheaters: the notion that we’re undesirable.
Many women experience guys throwing themselves at them at a near nightly basis. Guys on the street, guys at the bar, guys online… Guys everywhere are constantly throwing themselves at women in hopes of mating with them.
While a lot of women find this kind of behavior to be offensive, it conveys the notion of desirability in a way that many men crave to experience.
Generally speaking, when we walk down the street, no one catcalls. When we are at the bar, it’s rare for a stranger to strike up conversation with the intent to charm us. The majority of our activities go unnoticed throughout the day. Therein lies the issue.
What many women have a hard time understanding is that while yes, catcalling and guys constantly hitting on you is annoying and unwanted, it provides for a form of validation. Men, on the other hand, rarely get such validation. That’s exactly why I did it.
The trouble with being in a long-term relationship is that you can only get that kind of validation from your significant other, and sometimes, it’s not enough. This is especially true if your significant other has a difficult time expressing her feelings and true desires for you.
Dating a girl who has a hard time opening up and being honest with you can eventually cause trouble. It can leave you feeling unwanted or unsexy, which will likely leave you to do something regrettable. This is how it happened with me.
I was dating a girl who no longer made me feel special. I felt like I wasn’t a desirable person. I felt unsexy. I was going through a phase where I didn’t know if anyone would ever look my way again, until suddenly, one day… A different girl showed interest in me.
It was exciting. It felt awesome. I finally felt the validation that I wasn’t getting from my girlfriend of the time. Unfortunately, I gave in to that desire and did the unthinkable: I cheated. Afterward, I was mortified. I couldn’t believe what I had just done.
I promised myself that I’d never cheat and here I was, doing what I thought to be so unspeakably disgusting that I didn’t even know I was capable of ever doing it.
I preached and preached about how if you want to see someone else, you should just break up with the person you are dating. But, here I was, living the life of a cheater. I had no idea what to do next. Do I cover it up? Do I act like it never happened? Do I tell my significant other? Do I break up with my partner?
Ultimately, my relationship ended. I thought it was for the best, but that truth offered no consolation. I had broken one of my morals. I felt weak and cowardly. The only truth that I believed could bring me validation only drove me deeper into the hole of feeling like a bad person.
The important thing to understand about cheaters is that a lot of the time, it’s not that the person who cheats is unhappy with his or her significant other, but that the issue is symptomatic of an internal problem.
Sure, there are certainly people who cheat because they feel like a relationship might already be over and they are too afraid to have the break-up talk. Sure, some people just generally don’t like their significant others. However, some people are just sex fiends and have little regard for ANYONE around them.
I know this much: I was in a great relationship with an awesome girlfriend, who I found to be super sexy.
It wasn’t her; it was me. I had emotional problems that I didn’t believe she could fix or help. I felt a void that I thought I could fill through cheating. Unfortunately, that void wasn’t filled and I left the situation embarrassed and humiliated.
I learned from that experience that cheating didn’t help, and I have since vowed to never do it again. Though my subsequent relationships haven’t worked out, I feel validated in sticking to my promise to myself. I can’t know for sure whether or not I’ll ever cheat again, but I certainly hope I don’t.
How do I know this? Well, I’ve cheated. Yes, that makes me somewhat of a sh*tty person, I get it. However, allow me to explain myself before you jump on the hate train.
It wasn’t that I thought my girlfriend at the time was a bad person, and it wasn’t that I wasn’t into her; it wasn’t that I didn’t love her. It was something far more complex than that, something that I don’t think most people can understand. So, here’s my best explanation as to why I did it and why I believe I’m not alone:
Many, if not most, men are self-conscious creatures who harbor plenty of insecurities. I certainly do, at least. The story of how I cheated has nothing to do with the girl I was dating, but everything to do with an internal conflict that I’m sure plagues many cheaters: the notion that we’re undesirable.
Many women experience guys throwing themselves at them at a near nightly basis. Guys on the street, guys at the bar, guys online… Guys everywhere are constantly throwing themselves at women in hopes of mating with them.
While a lot of women find this kind of behavior to be offensive, it conveys the notion of desirability in a way that many men crave to experience.
Generally speaking, when we walk down the street, no one catcalls. When we are at the bar, it’s rare for a stranger to strike up conversation with the intent to charm us. The majority of our activities go unnoticed throughout the day. Therein lies the issue.
What many women have a hard time understanding is that while yes, catcalling and guys constantly hitting on you is annoying and unwanted, it provides for a form of validation. Men, on the other hand, rarely get such validation. That’s exactly why I did it.
The trouble with being in a long-term relationship is that you can only get that kind of validation from your significant other, and sometimes, it’s not enough. This is especially true if your significant other has a difficult time expressing her feelings and true desires for you.
Dating a girl who has a hard time opening up and being honest with you can eventually cause trouble. It can leave you feeling unwanted or unsexy, which will likely leave you to do something regrettable. This is how it happened with me.
I was dating a girl who no longer made me feel special. I felt like I wasn’t a desirable person. I felt unsexy. I was going through a phase where I didn’t know if anyone would ever look my way again, until suddenly, one day… A different girl showed interest in me.
It was exciting. It felt awesome. I finally felt the validation that I wasn’t getting from my girlfriend of the time. Unfortunately, I gave in to that desire and did the unthinkable: I cheated. Afterward, I was mortified. I couldn’t believe what I had just done.
I promised myself that I’d never cheat and here I was, doing what I thought to be so unspeakably disgusting that I didn’t even know I was capable of ever doing it.
I preached and preached about how if you want to see someone else, you should just break up with the person you are dating. But, here I was, living the life of a cheater. I had no idea what to do next. Do I cover it up? Do I act like it never happened? Do I tell my significant other? Do I break up with my partner?
Ultimately, my relationship ended. I thought it was for the best, but that truth offered no consolation. I had broken one of my morals. I felt weak and cowardly. The only truth that I believed could bring me validation only drove me deeper into the hole of feeling like a bad person.
The important thing to understand about cheaters is that a lot of the time, it’s not that the person who cheats is unhappy with his or her significant other, but that the issue is symptomatic of an internal problem.
Sure, there are certainly people who cheat because they feel like a relationship might already be over and they are too afraid to have the break-up talk. Sure, some people just generally don’t like their significant others. However, some people are just sex fiends and have little regard for ANYONE around them.
I know this much: I was in a great relationship with an awesome girlfriend, who I found to be super sexy.
It wasn’t her; it was me. I had emotional problems that I didn’t believe she could fix or help. I felt a void that I thought I could fill through cheating. Unfortunately, that void wasn’t filled and I left the situation embarrassed and humiliated.
I learned from that experience that cheating didn’t help, and I have since vowed to never do it again. Though my subsequent relationships haven’t worked out, I feel validated in sticking to my promise to myself. I can’t know for sure whether or not I’ll ever cheat again, but I certainly hope I don’t.
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